Every once in a while, as a 20-something who enjoys chatting about love with friends over a drink at happy hour, a la Sex and the City, I notice the same topic recurring in our conversations about dating. When the cuffing time comes around, the issue is, “Who else will I do these cute fall and winter activities with if it’s not my significant other?” !” When the weather heats up, I get a lot of questions like, “Wait…do I really like this person that I’m dating?” during my love life recaps. Many relationship terms are used on the Internet, but most of us do not know what they mean. In light of this, I have noticed that everyone seems to ask the same question: “What exactly does it mean to be emotionally available?” ‘”
I was less sure about my understanding of emotional availability the more I thought about it. When I saw this phrase in Hinge profiles (yes, the dating app has adopted it), I decided to look into it. We all need to know what emotional availability is. If you are like me and want to know what emotional availability means or if you are looking for it in a partner, this is a summary of all I have learned.
What does it mean to be “emotionally open”?
To find out the exact definition of emotional accessibility, I spoke with Patti Sabla, a licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach. Sabla explained that emotional availability is the ability to maintain healthy emotional connections. Sabla told me that emotional availability is when someone is ready to make (and keep) healthy emotional relationships.
Sabla clarified that one common misconception regarding emotional availability is that it is only useful in romantic relationships. Emotional availability is important for both romantic and platonic relationship building. All relationships, including friendships, require some level of vulnerability.
You can recognize emotional availability by yourself.
Like…am I emotionally available, or am I just as hell? What if I’m not emotionally available? Or am I just thirsty all the time? Are you emotionally unavailable, or is the date going bad? Since I know that I am not the only one who has these questions from my SATC chats, I asked Sabla to give me the green flags you can watch out for in order to recognize your emotional availability. She pointed out four of the most important emotional availability red flags to me.
- You’re confident that you’ll not ignore the red flags of another person
- Celebrate people who are in a happy relationship
- You are ready to be vulnerable and take a chance with someone new
- You are not worried about falling into toxic patterns from past relationships.
The second green flag that she mentioned is the most obvious way to gauge emotional availability. You can check it by opening Instagram. Does the picture of a couple getting engaged in your feed make you feel warm and fuzzy, or do you feel nauseous even though you should be happy for this couple? Congratulations! You have probably achieved a certain level of emotional openness. If you answered the second question, you may be an emotionally unavailable person. This is perfectly fine, provided you are honest about it.
Recognizing emotional openness in others
How can you tell if someone else is emotionally available? The therapy-speak can be confusing because you may have misinterpreted some actions or statements from potential partners at some point. You might mistakenly interpret constant texting to be a sign that a partner is emotionally available, but it’s actually just a sign that they are -time. If you think that a person is emotionally available if they talk about their past relationships, it may be because the person is still hung up on an ex.
Sabla says that the best way to determine someone’s emotional openness is to observe their behavior in your relationship. The person you are dating will show their willingness to be vulnerable by the way they behave, whether it’s being considerate of your time or making plans for the future. If a person is emotionally available, they will always call, text, show up for dates on time, never cancel, and commit to more dates. Sabla said that when someone is emotionally available, they will be more likely to have uncomfortable conversations in person rather than behind a computer screen or via email. If someone is not emotionally available, they may make false promises, play games, delay responses to messages, or cancel plans at the last minute.
If you are unsure about someone’s emotional accessibility, ask them. If they are really emotionally available, then they will be able to give you a straight answer. Next time you are debating over cocktails the emotional availability of your friend’s boyfriend, let her know you have done some research.
What to do when you or the person you are dating is not emotionally available
Knowing the truth about your emotional availability can make a huge difference in dating. Sabla says that if a person is not emotionally available, it can be easy to get hurt or waste time. It is better to know this sooner than later, after investing time and energy in the relationship.
When I first started thinking about this question earlier this year, I realized that I was definitely emotionally unavailable. So, when it came time to start dating again, figuring out if you were available could save you a lot of energy and time. After I began to think about this question earlier this year, I realized I was definitely emotionally unavailable. I decided I needed two months off from dating. Poof — when I returned to the apps, I felt instantly more excited about meeting people. Of course, there is no cookie-cutter solution to emotional unavailability. Still, in my experience, If they don’t do anything to grow and change, they’ll likely be the same person at the end of dating.
