A RELATIONSHIP THERAPIST’S STORY AND TIPS ON HOW TO COPE
It’s not as simple as it sounds. The painful things that breakups bring up are the topics of countless books, poems, and songs (and this blog post). Broken hearts are a universal experience. This seems to be a universal human experience. So why is it so lonely when you are experiencing one?
We know, for a start, that isolation is at the core of many mental issues/crises. We can become prone to repeating and ruminating powerful, often subconscious, trauma stories or feelings when we are isolated. This only makes us feel rejected and confused. As relationship therapists, we see people in this situation all the time. Our clients are able to express their range of emotions as they attempt to heal from a once-meaningful relationship.
Love is not perfect, nor is it simple. Most of us can fall in love quickly at first but struggle to maintain passion and understanding. It is a well-known fact that divorce rates in Western countries sit at around 50% (Forbes, 2023). It is reasonable to assume that many, if not all, of us will experience a significant breakup in our lifetime. Separating from someone you love and have shared intimate parts of your life is not a small thing. It can bring up many emotions, and at times, it may feel like you are being tossed about on the deck of a boat in a hurricane, trying to find solid ground.
Breakups can make us feel as if they have ripped us apart. Breakups can be a very painful experience, as we don’t always get the closure that we need, even though it is “final.”
You may not have thought of it, but being a professional in this field requires us to manage our relationships and hold space for others. You have to facilitate intimacy and depth in two vulnerable people while also working through your life transitions. It is important to create a space where we can separate ourselves from our clients in order to be safe, effective, and supportive therapists. We are taught to distinguish between “dumping” our unprocessed emotions onto clients and effective self-disclosure (when a therapist shares about themselves to create relatability, connection, and mirror vulnerability for clients). (PS. (PS. If your therapist seems to be more of the former, making judgments or sharing information about themselves that you find uncomfortable rather than validating you, this is a red flag!)
My clients don’t need to know how I felt when I received a parking ticket or how touched I was by the wildflowers I saw on my morning run. My clients do not need to know the sadness I experienced personally when I sat in on intimate relationships professionally while my own was slowly slipping away.
They might benefit from my sharing that watching them fight so fiercely for something that I felt I lacked in my partnership inspired admiration and hope within me. On the other hand, they would not benefit if I told them that my frustration and loneliness were heightened by the fact that my partner struggled to be as dedicated to their work.
It was strange to me that during my recent breakup, I felt disconnected from the concepts of helping couples grow and connect in my professional career (something about which I am still passionate) while also feeling this way in my personal life. It was difficult to understand, and my work felt hollow. I left work feeling like a fraud, full of self-doubt. ” Why was I able help people navigate their intimate relationships while talking endlessly about healing and connection when I couldn’t crack the code to my own relationship?” I felt like I was on the other side, a thinly-veiled curtain that I could not see behind.
To make this point now, in our industry, we call this “counter-transference,” which basically means because we are human, we may experience our triggers while navigating our client’s process. We, as professionals, vow to be conscious of our experiences and work on our healing, whether through our therapy or consultations with other professionals. After speaking with a couple of other therapists, I now know that I am not the only one who has experienced this counter-transference. We are helping couples when our relationships are in trouble. This irony is a powerful tool, and I know I’m not the only one who has experienced it. As a therapist, how to navigate a separation while maintaining a supportive and objective space takes a great deal of self-awareness and self-care. But I’m going to be vulnerable and show you the person behind the hat.
We are all human, right? In order to practice what I preach both as a human and as a Therapist, I believe that vulnerability is the best way to learn and grow. I wanted to share a piece of my life that was impactful to show that human experience is universal. Even if therapists don’t tell you directly that they understand what you are going through, they probably do.
In reflection, I realize that part of the challenge I faced was to separate “Lauren The Therapist” from “Lauren The Human.” It has been difficult to navigate my recent breakup because Lauren, the therapist, was analyzing exp, Loring, and trying to make sense of it. In contrast, Lauren, the human, was riding the wave and trying to cope. When I am disappointed in myself because I’m not “the expert and following my example,” it is difficult to compartmentalize the two identities. Separate them.
I must separate myself from my emotions in a professional setting to be able to support my clients objectively. It is difficult to tell where the two identities are separate or blurred in my personal life. I must bring them both to the surface as I work through my emotions.
I realized that I do exactly what I tell my clients to do. I am being honest and going inward. I don’t judge myself for not knowing all the answers to life’s difficulties. And the truth is that the end of my marriage does not affect my ability to be a therapist. The end of a relationship doesn’t affect your ability to build a stronger one in the future. It was painful for me to choose to do what I believed was right, but I did it because I wanted to be the best example for my clients. I’m doing my best, and my relationships are helping me to learn more about myself.
