For centuries, the topic of true love has been a hot topic. Cynics often deny it, but it is a topic that has been debated for centuries. Hopeless romantics believe everyone should seek out their true love. Science has shown that true love can not only be achieved, but it can also last a lifetime. We’ve decided to examine the psychological factors that make love bloom or fall apart.
What is True Love
Dr. Lisa Firestone, coauthor of Sex and Love in Intimate Relations, says love should be viewed as a verb. Love is dynamic and requires action to flourish. Dr. Firestone said, “Often we spend our time worrying what our partner feels towards us or how our relationship looks from the outside.” Although it is nice to feel loved, we can only feel our love for another person. We must be loving to sustain and connect with those loving feelings. We may live in fantasy if we do not love.
It can be frustrating at times, but it is pretty empowering to realize that we are the only one who has any absolute control in a relationship. The dynamic is in our hands. We have the power to choose to be destructive or to act in ways that promote intimacy. Or to express love, compassion, affection, and respect. It is crucial to examine the traits that Lisa Firestone and Dr. Robert found essential to loving relationships.
Father and daughter created the “Couples Interactions Chart,” which compares the characteristics and ideal relationships to what Robert Firestone called a “fantasy relationship.” This chart shows how a couple can create a fantasy relationship by substituting real love and closeness in place of having a relationship. This creates a feeling of resentment and sexiness between people.
Characteristics Of True Love vs. A Fantasy Bond
Openness and non-defensiveness in contrast to angry reactions to feedback
Couples should be open and honest with one another in order to maintain intimacy. This means that they should listen to each other’s feedback without being defensive or discouraged. Dr. Lisa Firestone suggests that couples look for the truth in their partner’s words. This truth may provide a clue as to how we might be driving our partner away, even if we don’t realize it. Even if we disagree with each other on everything, listening to your partner makes you feel valued, respected, and loved. However, punishing our partner for being open and honest with us can close down communication.
You can be open to trying new things, or you can be closed to trying them
Relationships thrive when both partners are open to new experiences and have a vibrant, open side. It doesn’t mean we have to be there for our partner. However, it is important to share new experiences, visit new places, and make the relationship feel more vibrant.
Honesty, integrity, and honesty versus deceit and duplicity
As children, truth-telling is one of our first lessons. However, adulthood can lead to a lot of deception in our most intimate relationships. We do ourselves, our relationship, and the relationship a disservice by being dishonest with our partner. Trusting our partner is the only way to feel comfortable with them.
Respect for others’ boundaries, priorities, and goals is better than overstepping them
To avoid fantasy bonds, we must see the other person as an independent entity from ourselves. Respecting the other person as an individual, separate being is essential. Couples often assume roles and play into power dynamics. Sometimes we tell one another what to do and how to act. We may also speak for or about one another in a way that is limiting or defining. We treat them as extensions and not separate individuals. We restrict our attraction to them as a result. Dr. Lisa Firestone said, “We treat each other like our right arm.” This will make them no more attractive than our right arm.
Affection and physical intimacy vs. insufficient, impersonal, or routine sexuality
How we love is only as good as our feelings of affection. If we are not open to our feelings of respect, it can lead to a deadening relationship. This can cause a loss of intimacy between our partner and us. Both partners may feel less fulfilled and distant if sexuality becomes routine or impersonal. To keep love alive, you must be in touch with the part of yourself that desires physical contact and is open to receiving and giving affection.
Understanding vs. misunderstanding
It is easy to project our partner onto us or to misunderstand what they are saying. This can lead to them feeling hurt or attacked in old, familiar ways. It is easy to get caught up in our own perspective and not see the world from the other person’s. There will always be two people, two sovereign minds. We won’t always see eye-to-eye. It is essential to try to understand your partner from a clear perspective. If our partner feels understood and seen, they will be more open to our point of view.
Non-manipulative, non-threatening, and non-controlling behaviors in contrast to manipulations of dominance or submission
Many couples get caught up in a dynamic where one parent acts like a parent while the other acts like a child.
Child. The other person looks at the child for direction and then resents them for giving it. One person may try to control the situation and then complain that the other person has become immature, irresponsible, or passive. To be truly loving, a relationship must be equal. If one person attempts to control or manipulate another, whether it’s screaming and screaming or by stonewalling and playing the victim, neither party is experiencing an adult, equal and loving relationship.
Find out more about the Fantasy Bond through PsychAlive’s eCourse The Fantasy Bond – The Key to Understanding Us and Our Relationships.
How to create a genuinely loving relationshipHow can we create a loving relationship with our partner? First, let’s acknowledge that, despite the noticeable differences between real love and fantasy being apparent, many people confuse one with the other. Some people may prefer fiction over reality because it is easier to seem connected to someone than to feel connected.
