It’s a fact that Friendship has a newfound popularity in today’s culture. It’s not clear if the 1989 remake or the ongoing epidemic of loneliness is to blame, but I’ve never felt more grateful for my incredible friends. You might also be feeling sentimental in 2023 about your gal pals. If so, you may be wondering what you can do to make a friend and maintain lasting friendships. Enter attachment styles – the psychology theory that you didn’t know you needed to apply in your companies.
To learn more about attachment styles and how you can use them to be a better friend, I spoke to therapist Alexis B. Kaufman, LCSW, PLLC. Chef’s Kiss shares her insight into what each attachment type looks like, how you can identify your friendship style and ways to improve your relationship. In 2023, we should treat our friendships as seriously as our romantic relationships. Read on to find out more about attachment styles.
What is the difference between attachment styles?
Attachment styles are different from other personality tests and types that describe how we relate to other people. They represent our emotional attachment to our current relationship based on our experiences. Kaufman says that attachment styles are formed in childhood by our interactions with caregivers. They continue to shape our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors throughout adulthood.
What is your attachment style?
There are many resources to help you discover your attachment style. There are four types: secure, avoidant and anxious-avoidant. It’s easy to find out which attachment style is best for your friendships by taking a quick quiz. You can also educate yourself about the different types, talk to friends, family, and your emotional support system, or journal to discover your self.
Kaufman gives a quick overview of this attachment style. “If you have anxiety about your relationship with a friend, or you question whether they still want to see you, or if you like them, then you might have an anxious attachment.” If you are overwhelmed by the closeness of friendships, and you find yourself wanting to escape being alone after spending too much time together, you might have an avoidant style.
If you are an anxious-avoidant, you might find intimate relationships confusing. But if you’re a rockstar, you probably don’t think about your relationships much because you know they will last.
Your attachment style may be impacting your friendships for better or worse.
It can be scary to learn about attachment styles and discover that you may have an insecure attachment. It can be a shock to realize that past experiences may have damaged your relationships and friendships. Kaufman says that no attachment style can be deemed “good” or bad. All types have their strengths. Here are some ways that your attachment style can affect your friendships.
In your friendships, you are very sensitive to others’ needs.
You’re more likely to be attentive and address problems when they occur if your attachment style is on the anxious side of the spectrum. Kaufman says that if you have an edgy attachment style, then you’re very sensitive to other people’s emotions and will notice even the smallest shift in the relationship. This means that you value close relationships and are more likely than others to deal with any problems that may arise.
Unintentionally, you push your friends away.
There are downsides to having an anxious attachment style. Kaufman says that one of the negative effects of an anxious attachment is unintentionally pushing away your friends if you are constantly seeking reassurance. If you find yourself experiencing anxiety about Friendship on a regular basis, it’s worth considering where these feelings come from and if they are linked to an incident in your past.
You are highly independent and self-sufficient.
It is important to be independent in any relationship. This allows you to give more of yourself to the other person when the situation demands it. You might be more independent if you have an avoidant style of attachment. Kaufman says that you won’t overwhelm your friends if you aren’t too demanding. You will also be able to enjoy your time alone.
Your lack of commitment limits your friendships.
As with anxious attachment styles, avoidant attachments can also be a challenge for friendships. Kaufman explains that if you tend to have an avoidant attachment style, you might not be able to get close to people, and this could affect the quality of your friendships. If you find that your relationships are lacking in depth, you may have an avoidant style of attachment. You might also want to reconsider your independence.
Your relationships are a source of confidence.
When you are able to feel secure in a friendship, both when it is present and absent, you can enjoy that Friendship. Kaufman says that a secure attachment allows you to enjoy your independence while still feeling close and connected with your friends. You feel confident that your relationships will remain tight even when distance or conflict exists. And you can spend time alone out of desire rather than to escape intimacy.
Understanding your attachment style will improve your relationships.
No matter if you’re in a situationship era or a long-term relationship. Your attachment style can have a profound impact on your entire life, not just romantic relationships. Kaufman says that uncovering key moments from your past will help you understand your relationship with others. It can also change your friendships. Even though it may sound scary, this is almost always a good thing. She says that knowledge is power when it comes to understanding attachment styles. If you know your patterns of attachment, you can form stronger bonds and feel secure in a way you find comfortable.
You can improve your ability to relate to others.
To become a better friend, you must first learn about yourself and how you relate to other people. Kaufman believes that people who are anxiously or avoidantly attached can use their newfound knowledge to make better friends. If you are avoidant, for example, you will be able to understand why you might need more space in your friendships than other people and how to request it without making them feel rejected. She says that if you are anxious, you can use coping techniques to cope with your anxiety rather than seeking reassurance from friends.
You can use it to navigate through conflict.
It can be very helpful to understand and work on your attachment style if you have difficulty resolving conflicts in your relationships. Kaufman says that a person who is anxiously attached may respond to the perceived threat of abandonment by focusing on their friend’s anger or desire to leave them. If you have a more avoidant style, then you may choose to distance yourself from conflict to avoid getting close to others or experiencing painful emotions.
