We can all agree that nothing is worse than not knowing how to help your partner when they are upset. All I want to do when someone is upset about something, whether it’s a difficult family dynamic, a fallout, or if they have been temporarily knocked down by life, is help them. It was only after I learned the hard way that I should not always do or say what I believe will make them feel better. This is especially true when they are explaining the situation.
You can ask yourself the following questions: Would you like to be heard and given advice? Or would you prefer that I listen and don’t try to fix anything? Or do you want to hug me in order to feel loved?
This article will explain why it is important to ask this question to your partner in times of need, how you can both benefit from it and when to use it.
This question will help you and your partner.
This question is incredibly helpful, but I cannot take credit for it. This video by Sahil Bloom appeared on my FYP during a late-night TikTok scroll. It forever changed my approach to supporting my partner when they are in need. Sahil Bloom explains that the love language of his wife is touch. When she complains, she wants him to listen and then give her a big hug. He continues to say that he “was so bad for that for many years,” as he didn’t realize that was what she really needed. He would fix her problems instead of listening to her. This would lead to arguments in their relationship because he was not supporting his wife in the manner she required. They would never learn to ask, ” Would you like to be heard, hugged, or helped?” and they’d be stuck in a loop of frustration.
This question will help you improve your relationship.
This video made me so happy that I told my partner immediately. The next time he approached me with a concern, I stopped myself from offering a solution, which is my go-to tool for support, and asked him calmly what he wanted from me. It worked. Not only did it give me a chance to ask him instead of assuming, but it also made him pause and think about what was needed to make himself feel better rather than spiraling into whatever the problem was. We both felt so much better when we were able to have a conversation with purpose. I was glad that, for the first time, I could support him the way he needed, and he, too, felt better. Since then, he’s asked me the same questions. It’s a game-changer.
When and how to answer this question
What is my advice? You should ask your partner first, even if you think you understand what they need when they’re angry, frustrated, or upset. They might surprise you. You might not know what your partner needs each time. Maybe they need advice the last time you were upset. This time, perhaps they want to vent or be hugged. Don’t forget, they may need more than one thing. For example, Sahil’s wife might like to be embraced and heard. Asking this question can help you gain clarity on how to be the most supportive and loving partner.
You can and should ask this question. This question is helpful for both of you to ask whenever one or the other needs support. Ask this question if, for example, your partner becomes upset over a situation with a close friend and begins to complain about it. Before you can offer a comment, gesture, or advice, you should ask the question. This will help you determine what kind of support is needed. This is better done immediately than to backtrack when you realize that you are not really helping.
If you are the one who needs support, then you can tell your partner right away what you want before explaining what’s wrong. You can say, “I’ve had a rough day, and, to be honest with you, I want to vent, and maybe I need a hug afterward.” This will communicate to your partner that what you really need is a supportive ear, a long hug, and an unbiased listening ear.
