The little purple badge flashes on my screen every Sunday to remind me of how much time I’ve spent staring at my phone. I spent 46 hours on my phone last week (I swear, I actually got some work done). I spend some of these hours doing worthwhile, productive things, like answering emails, calling mom, working out with an app, or creating my weekly to-do list. But most of the time, my average is spent mindlessly scrolling through social media.
This scrolling usually happens at night while I am watching a TV show with my boyfriend on the couch. He is also looking at his phone. I know that passively scrolling on my phone is not a healthy habit, but I also don’t spend quality time with my boyfriend. I decided to apply tips from Dr. Marisa Cohen, relationship expert, and UScellular partner, to improve my relationship both with my phone and with my significant other. You may also feel that you spend too much time on the phone and not enough with your partner. Read on to learn Dr. Cohen’s rules for phone usage and how I applied them to my relationship.
How to Refresh Your Relationship with Your Phone and Your Partner
Consider your mobile phone usage.
My boyfriend and I are both Type A workaholics. We spend a lot of time on our smartphones, checking emails, posting content to social media sites, etc. You and your partner may also need to review your phone usage if this is you. Dr. Cohen urges couples to examine their relationship with their phones in order to understand their usage better. He says that this helps to “determine the distance between where we are now and where we would like to be.” You can do this in several different ways. In the settings of most phones, you’ll find a tab dedicated to screen time and activities. Look at this information to see how much time and what you use your phone for. You can also keep track of how often you use your phone by counting the times that you reach for it out of habit but with no real purpose in mind.
You may not think that you have an excessive screen time problem. But you would be surprised at how fast five-minute breaks add up or how many unconscious habits you have. Once you understand how much time you spend on your phone and how you use it, you can change your behavior with these phone rules.
Set your own goals and hold each other accountable.
For a long time, I have been unhappy with the relationship I have with technology. I decided to spend more time on screen-free activities like walking or reading. While my partner also acknowledges that he spends a lot of time on his phone, he doesn’t think it is affecting his life or relationship. He does, however, want to focus less on his phone while driving (read: shuffling Spotify playlists). Dr. Cohen says that sharing goals is an effective way to hold each other accountable and provide support. Now, I can remind my boyfriend to focus on the road and not search for the next track, while he also knows I may be taking a short break from my phone.
Discuss the use of social media and phones.
Even though it may be awkward to sit down and discuss something so simple as a partner’s phone usage, Dr. Cohen says that this “can give partners insight they may not previously have had.” For example, before this conversation, I never told my boyfriend how it made me feel that he wasn’t listening to me when he looked at his phone as I was talking. But taking the time to speak with him allowed me to say something I might not have thought I needed to. The discussion helped us to realize how important our phones and social networks are in our relationships. For example, we spent quality time together doing the New York Times Crossword in the mornings. Dr. Cohen says that mismatches in the views of couples on phone usage can lead to conflicts. But through discussions like these, you can find common ground and set limits. You may even be able to agree with us about the positive aspects of using phones.
Create a sign to show the need for more quality time.
We both believe in the importance of open communication and sharing our needs. So, this was one of Dr. Cohen’s phone rules that we were able to adopt easily. It wasn’t easy to decide what sign to use. We didn’t want the person to feel like they were being punished for using their phone. We decided to go with the non-verbal cue suggested by Dr. Cohen. My boyfriend knows that when I snuggle close to him in the evenings while we watch TV, I am looking for connection and quality time. We thought that since he would normally put his phone down in order to spend time with me, this was a natural sign.
We touch each other whenever we feel like spending time together without our devices. When the other person uses their phone on date night, what should you do? To reconnect, reach out and touch each other across the table. Are you at home scrolling through your phone while watching TV? You can show you want attention by placing your head on their shoulder.
Refuse to be tempted.
You’re probably like me, and you pick up your phone habitually. Before you know it, you’ve spent the last 10 minutes on Instagram instead of paying attention to your partner. Dr. Cohen suggests putting your phone in another room to remove the distraction. Sometimes, we reach for our gadgets without realizing it. She says that the person may not be using their phone, but they are still signaling their partner to show their interest elsewhere.
My boyfriend and I decided to take ourselves out of the equation instead of placing our phones elsewhere. We chose not to bring our phones on our evening dog walks. We were able to spend more time outdoors and talk about the day without interruptions from texts or calls.
