During the first year-ish of the pandemic, I counted down the minutes until I could crash into bed. But every night, as depleted as I felt, I stayed awake to indulge in a guilty pleasure best enjoyed alone: an hour of TV and my phone. So recently, when my husband’s New Year’s resolution coaxed him into bed at the same time I turned in, I was grumpy.
I assumed he would have opinions about what to watch during my sacred solo time. And what if he wanted to make out when I felt like passing out? Admittedly, I felt selfish about wanting to lie there, streaming PEN15 and scrolling Twitter.
Conventional wisdom tells us technology is terrible. Too much screen time disrupts our sleep and disturbs our focus. Casual social media use can turn into less-healthy room scrolling. And research points to the potential negative effects of technology on relationships. Take, for instance, the phenomenon of “technoference,” or interruptions in couple interactions caused by technology use. Maybe it’s one person talking to another while typing an email or your partner venting about their day while you mindlessly scroll Instagram. Not surprisingly, a 2019 study of 173 couples in Computers in Behavior found that this type of behavior can significantly negatively impact mood and how we feel about our relationships.
I can relate. When stay-at-home social distancing orders had us spending all day, every day together, my husband’s phones–yes, there are two–were always around:
Chirping ESPN notifications at dinner.
Lighting up in his pocket.
Demanding an email response, even if we were in the middle of a conversation or trying to get out the door for a neighborhood stroll.
I started to think of his phones as unwanted third (and fourth) partners in our marriage. But did I tell him that’s how I felt? If you count my animated eye rolls and barely audible, “Here we go again,” when he reached for his phone, yes.
But contrary to the technical interference in my relationship, some researchers think technology has been undeservedly criticized for intimate connection. And, with a little self-awareness, our devices have the potential to bring us closer to our partners. That’s why we consulted a couple of experts who specialize in the effects of technology on relationships. Read on for their practical tips on preventing tech from destroying intimacy–without giving up your devices, naturally.
Establish
What It Dr. Try to use statements that begin with “I.” You can say, “I’m sad when you ignore me while I’m lying beside you,” instead of, “You are always on your phone, and it’s The latter will likely make the phone snubber feel more attacked and less willing to change their tech habits. In contrast, if you approach the topic non-threateningly, you can help your partner and set tech boundaries that work for you both. Consider putting your phone away during dinner or before bedtime or setting a time limit for scrolling through social media.
It’s important to note that phones do not interfere with every relationship. Dr. Drouin says some couples are fine with scrolling through technology on their phones while watching television. Keep scrolling if screens don’t interfere with anyone getting what they need.
You can read the text message between the lines
For a couple of months now, my husband has been going to sleep and waking me up. Once the day begins, we communicate almost exclusively electronically: a text message grocery list, an alert about which child needs to be picked up, or a
Mimi Winsberg, MD, is a Stanford-trained psychiatrist and chief medical officer of Brightside Health. She
Yet, Dr. Winsberg tells SELF that, despite being the most technologically savvy person on the planet, our brains have not caught. We still have a lot of learning to do.
Dr. Winsberg’s new book, Speak in Thumbs, A Psychiatrist’s Decode Why text? The book argues that texting is a way to express love. Since double-tapping phone messages is the most common communication form, Dr. Winsberg borrows terminology from Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages.
Winsberg says, “It’s important to understand how people like to be communicated with and communicated to.” This will help partners feel that their emotional needs are being met. You can have a conversation if you cannot understand each other’s preferences based on your text thread. You could say, “I don’t do well at chatting in the office, but I enjoy a text session after work,” or “I would. If your partner prefers compliments, be sincere. If they enjoy riffing, take five minutes during a time when you are both free to see
Consider performing a self-diagnosis
You can learn a great deal by looking back at our past texts and how we communicate with our partners. Dr. Winsberg says that our texting history can be a kind of electronic health record for our relationship. I recently read the text exchanges between my husband and myself. His “out of Ziplock Bags” text likely didn’t qualify as riffing. The same goes for me, “Are You Coming to The context makes it difficult to mistake this for sexting. I could not find evidence that the people were in love, except for the red heart emoji.
In her book Dr. Winsberg states, “While messages will inevitably become more utilitarian over time, there are many reasons that suggest affectionate exchanges. My husband and I needed some advice after a year spent living in constant communication (with children). Browsing our history guided us. We started sending small messages of appreciation, such as “I appreciate you” or an emoji with hearty eyes.
In a study published in Computers in Human Behavior in 2015, Shanhong Luo, Ph.D. relationship researcher at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and professor, tested a similar hypothesis. The title of the article was “Can text improve romance relationships?” According to her research, yes. Dr. Luo told SELF that sending a positive message to your partner can help combat the downward pattern of satisfaction. We all know that a relationship will often have a honeymoon phase, followed by a gradual decline in attraction. A super doable antidote? Send nice text messages.
