Even people in the most secure relationships may have to navigate waves of jealousy. It’s normal if your stomach sinks after seeing your partner bond with their attractive coworker, and we’d venture a guess that almost all couples have had some variation of the “Seriously, they’re just a friend” debate. The green-eyed monster may even seem kind of endearing at times. (Isn’t it so sweet that they care much about you?)
Jealousy isn’t a red relationship flag in and of itself, Vernessa Roberts, PsyD, LMFT, a therapist who works with couples in Sacramento, California, tells SELF. At its core, this uneasy feeling usually stems from anxiety, suspicion, paranoia, or insecurity–all of which can naturally arise when you’re afraid of losing someone important to you, according to Dr. Roberts. “Although most of us don’t like this emotion, jealousy can be a healthy indicator that maybe we don’t feel secure and need reassurance from our partner,” she says. But when self-doubt spirals into volatile and irrational accusations or controlling, guilt-tripping behaviors, jealousy is a sign of something more serious.
“The biggest difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy is how we manage it,” Dr. Roberts says. The former is natural, normal, and most importantly, temporary; the latter is “toxic, explosive, and uncompromising, usually indicating a desire to control the other person,” she explains. The line between the two can be fine, so we asked therapists to share the most common warning signs that jealousy has gone too far. Here are the biggies you shouldn’t ignore:
They monitor your every move
If your partner is curious about who you’re calling so late at night or what bar you’re hitting with your pals without them, it’s one thing. But if you feel like you have to report your whereabouts at all times, say, or your lover demands to see your texts under the justification that “there shouldn’t be anything to hide,” that’s a telltale sign that their jealousy is crossing into the toxic territory, Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, a therapist at Therapeutic Alliance of New York Counseling who specializes in couples counseling and divorce guidance, tells SELF.
“Constantly keeping tabs on your every move, like regularly snooping on your phone, is an unsustainable fix,” Hartstein says. “They may feel better knowing you’re not flirting with someone today, but they’ll keep surveilling you to ensure you’re not doing something tomorrow, which is an invasion of your privacy.” Even if you’ve lied to your partner about your past relationships, say, or fibbed about your spending habits, that still doesn’t give them the right to watch you like a hawk. Not only is it super annoying and strains the relationship, but taking your freedom away and destroying your sense of privacy can signal emotional abuse, according to Harstein.
You should feel relaxed and safe in a healthy relationship, she says–not like being smothered by an overbearing parent or losing your sense of autonomy.
Their jealousy results in angry outbursts
Everyone has moments when their anger gets the best of them, and they react in ways they’re not too proud of. However, if you’re frequently tiptoeing around your partner, telling white lies, or staying guarded out of fear that one wrong move will instigate a screaming match, take a step back and ask yourself why you’re being so cautious, Dr. Roberts recommends.
For instance, do you answer their inconvenient phone calls immediately because you know they’ll be furious if you don’t? Do you change your outfit because your favorite skirt isn’t “appropriate,” according to your partner? It may be difficult to spot unhealthy jealousy and rage, but constantly worrying about how your partner will react to your everyday choices is a major red flag, Dr. Roberts says.
“Walking on eggshells signals a lack of openness in the relationship and can also mean there’s a lack of vulnerability and authenticity,” which, she says, can also be a sign of emotional abuse. You shouldn’t feel tense when telling them about an upcoming dinner plan, and you should be able to truly speak your mind, even if they disagree. As you anticipate their reaction, feeling a rush of anxiety is your body’s way of telling you that you don’t feel safe or secure with this person, and it’s important to listen to that gut instinct, Dr. Roberts adds.
They don’t allow you to spend alone time with others
Is anyone 100% comfortable seeing their partner giggling at inside jokes with their BFF, who just so happens to be extremely hot and effortlessly cool? We think not. It’s natural to feel a little insecure during moments like this, Hartstein says, but there’s a difference between fleeting envy and controlling behavior. Everyone has insecurities, but nobody is entitled to decide who you talk to or hang out with.
That isn’t to say you should automatically brush off all of your partner’s worries. Suppose your one-on-one hangs with a former fling make them uncomfortable, for example. In that case, Dr. Roberts advises that you can validate their concerns (how would you feel if you were in their shoes?) and establish clear-cut boundaries together. Another scenario: Let’s say you want to go on a weekend trip with a new group of friends that your significant other doesn’t know, and they’re asking a million questions about your plans (“Who are these people? Why haven’t I met them?”). Rather than ignoring their questions or declining the invite altogether, you can meet in the middle with a compromise, like agreeing to text them each night to confirm that you’re safe, for example, or having them meet your pals beforehand so they’ll feel more at ease.
Suppose you’ve tried to compromise and be as transparent as possible, and your partner still incessantly questions or doubts you when you hang out with other people. In that case, that’s a sign that their “overprotectiveness” or “concern” is just controlling, potentially abusive behavior disguised as adoration.
