My favorite relationship model is based on the work of the anthropologist Helen Fisher. She has dedicated a large portion of her life and profession to understanding and studying intimacy, Love, and relationships. This post will explore the Three Loves Theory, a theory I find highly beneficial in understanding relationships.
St.The idea behind The premise of the Three Loves Theory is that not all love experiences are experienced similarly. Anyone with a decent amount of intimate or sexual experience will say that Passion and Love come in various kinds. For some, it’s fierce and fast, while for others, it’s gentle and mellow. Some people find it turbulent with many changes and ups, while for others, it’s calm and steady over a long time.
It’s not just about theorizing. Researchers such as Fisher have examined the neurobiological and cognitive processes that underlie Love and attraction and have begun identifying the different emotions at various phases in romantic relationships.1 Through these research studies, Fisher was able to determine the neurobiological aspects of every love event and compare them to actual social realities.2
The three love types she formulated are three loves: Passion, Lust, and the concept of Commitment. 3 Three love interests occur in different brain areas and operate independently. In other words, you can feel “in lust” with someone but not feel any sense of Commitment to the person (e.g., for one night is a night of lust).
Before diving into it, let’s look at the three love interests.
LOVE ONE: LUST
Lust is a sensation that anybody should be able to connect with easily. It originates from the reptilian nervous system and is pure intuitive reproduction. 4 Lust is a no/no idea: would you like to have sexual contact with this person now? It’s instantaneous and is based on the most basic physical and behavioral aspects of attraction.
Lust may also go away at the same time it first came. It’s temporary and changes continuously within an individual. It doesn’t have any connection or preference. It’s as simple as asking, “Do I wish to kiss him/her right now? Yes or no?”
LOVE TWO: PASSION
Passion is the connection between emotions that happens between two people. It’s part of mammals’ brains. 5 Two people in Love are thought to be “smitten.” They stare at each other, desire to spend all hours of the day with each other and stay up until 6 AM talking.
Imagine honeymoons and newlyweds. Imagine romantic getaways. Think Romeo and Juliet. The way to create Passion is by having an extremely high emotional connection and fostering an impression of “newness” or spontaneity within the relationship. Therefore, old and married couples arrange romantic getaways to revive the Love within their relationships.
The power of Passion is incredibly powerful. It can influence a person’s rational functioning. It can often entice us into making untruthful affirmations and commitments.
The boyfriend says that he loves his new partner but then, four months later, alters his decision. The girl dreams of living with her boyfriend for a whole year, but after she has moved into it, she discovers that she doesn’t like the man as many times as she believes.
Our passions blind us, and we become absorbed by the moment and imagine the future as endless and romantic for our relationship.
The cultivation of Passion is not possible without lust. Still, couples can be passionate with one another even after the Passion has gone (again, consider an old married couple).
A lack of shared experience and freshness causes Passion’s death. When a couple reaches the stage after six to 12 months of being together, when they begin to lose the “newness” of the other person begins to fade, an important test of their compatibility is likely to occur.
If the couple can weave their lives to constantly share their latest experiences and continue to be in Love, then the Passion will last. If not, they will ultimately disappear.
LOVE THREE: COMMITMENT
Suppose two people stay in Love for a long time and have an ongoing connection that allows them to experience new things for a long time, and then the commitment will be evident. It is a remarkably intense feeling not often seen in our lives.
The term “commitment” refers to the fact that the Love resulting from Love Two persists to the degree that it’s unbreakable. Couples involved in Love Two and not Love Three are often happy until something happens; for example, he loses their job, she suffers a miscarriage, they start drinking, etc.
The definition of Commitment is when you recognize and appreciate the flaws of another person in equal measure to their strengths. Researchers have discovered that when couples reach the level of Commitment required, their self-images become one with the other. 6
They have studied the neural activity patterns of these couples who have been together for a long time. They discovered that if you ask a married man for 20 years to imagine his wife’s involvement in an accident in the car and then have him think about his self-involvement in a car crash and the same “self” spots in his brain will be activated however it will not happen for anyone else. It won’t be the case for couples who haven’t reached the third Love of engagement for a long time.
It is based on the notion that the bond will continue long. The only way to be ended is if one or both partners in an existing relationship alter themselves until it is harmful for the other party to be self-identifiable with their partner. Again consider the husband who is an alcohol addict and the woman who continues doing the same thing, etc. In some cases, the force of Commitment remains in the event of a change in the personalities.
Lust and Passion can vanish when Commitment occurs, but without impacting the Commitment. This way, every Love is a prerequisite for the next Love to develop, after which, once it’s been dissolved, it’s no longer required. Lust is a prerequisite for Passion, but it may exist passion without it. Passion is essential for Commitment; however, later, Commitment could exist without it.
