PSA: Establishing high-quality personal boundaries doesn’t answer your relationship issues (or the keys you lost). They’re more of an effect of having positive self-esteem and generally a lack of neediness for those close to you.
Relationship boundaries function in two ways: they foster emotional health and are made by people with a healthy emotional state. They’re something you can begin working with your loved ones closest to you. You’ll start to notice changes in self-esteem, confidence, emotional stability, and more.
DO YOU HAVE BOUNDARY ISSUES
Let’s start by making the standard bullet points list every blog should have for these posts. Let’s go through the “You Could Have A Boundary Problem When” …” list to be aware of where you stand:
Are you ever feeling people can take advantage of you or use your emotions to their benefit?
Have you felt that you’re constantly trying the need to “save” people close to you and resolve their problems always?
Are you entangled in a tangled mess of arguments or fights frequently?
Do you feel more enthralled or invested in someone than you should be, considering how much time you’ve spent with them?
If you’re in a relationship, do you feel like you are either great or awful, and there is no middle ground? You could have the breakup/reunion cycle every couple of months.
Do you let people know how much you dislike drama, but you seem to be caught in the middle?
Do you have to spend much time fighting against what you believe isn’t yours?
If you replied “yes” to even a handful of these, you have set and kept a poor boundary within your relationship. Suppose you replied with a convincing “yes” to most or all of the questions above. In that case, you may not only have a significant boundary issue within your relationships but also other issues within your own life.
WHAT ARE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Before we resolve the boundaries, let’s talk about the issues they pose.
People who lack boundaries usually are of two types people who assume too much responsibility for the actions and emotions of others and those who assume that others will assume too much responsibility for their actions or emotions.
Incredibly, these two kinds of people are often in a relationship.
A few examples of poor boundaries:
“You cannot take a trip out with buddies without me. You’re aware of how jealous I am. You’re not allowed to be and be with me.”
“Sorry guys, I can’t go out with you tonight, my girlfriend gets really angry when I go out without her.”
“My co-workers are idiots and I’m always late to meetings because I have to tell them how to do their jobs.”
“I’d love to take that job in Milwaukee, but my mother would never forgive me for moving so far away.”
“I could meet you, but how do you not tell your friend Cindy? She is really jealous when there’s a guy I like, but she does not.”
In each case, a person is being held accountable for emotions or actions that aren’t theirs or is demanding someone else bear the responsibility for their actions or emotions.
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, SELF-ESTEEM, AND IDENTITY
Self-esteem and personal boundaries are inextricably linked. Accepting responsibility for your actions and not blaming others are two of the main pillars of Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, arguably the most authoritative piece of work on the subject. Self-esteem-based people have strong boundaries within their own lives. Setting up strong boundaries for yourself is a way to increase self-esteem.
Another approach is to think about boundaries in terms of your identity. If you’re in these murky zones of responsibility for your actions and emotions–areas in which it’s not clear who’s accountable and who’s accountable and why you’re doing the things you’re doing, and so on–you don’t create an established self-identity for yourself.
If, for instance, you’re a huge fan of Judo and you’re constantly blamed for your instructor’s inability to progress, and you find yourself feeling guilty about attending classes since your wife feels bored when you’re not there, You’re not claiming the Judo aspect of your identity. Judo is now a thing you practice, not something you’re doing. It is a fake instrument in the game of getting approval from others rather than satisfying your need to be yourself. This is the feeling of neediness. The dependence on external approval can make your self-esteem down and cause your actions less appealing.
WHY BOUNDARIES ARE GOOD FOR YOU
Personal boundaries do not just increase your self-esteem and boost your sense of self-identity, but they also make life much simpler.
Imagine that:
Do not let others profit from you.
There is no need to fix other people’s problems except if you truly want to.
Don’t get caught up in irrelevant arguments or passionate debates.
Not everything your partner, family or colleagues, friends, or family members do worries or irritates you.
You sit back and watch others are caught up in the drama. You don’t even remember what it was to be a part of the shite of life.
Imagine that scenario unfolding day after day. Wouldn’t it be great? Of course, you’d. Anybody would.
These are the boundaries that strong and healthy will provide.
POOR BOUNDARIES AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
I believe boundary issues are the hardest to address in the family context. You can dump that ass-hat of a boyfriend/girlfriend; a divorce is always but a phone call or twelve away, but you can never dump your parents.
If you’re struggling with boundaries issues within your family, it’s most likely that you’ve got these issues in your relationship with your partner too. Your relationships are the perfect starting point to fix them.
There’s a good chance that at some time, you’ve had an affair that was a roller-coaster ride: when things went well, and things were great, they were fantastic, but when they went bad, they turned out to be an absolute disaster. It was almost a predictable fluctuation between the two weeks of happiness, followed by an entire week of hell, then one month of bliss, a terrible breakup, and then a soaring reunion. It’s the hallmark of the intimate relationship and is usually a sign of two people who aren’t able to establish the ability to establish strong boundaries between themselves.
My first serious relationship was exactly like this. It felt extremely passionate like it was us vying against the world. In retrospect, I can say that it was extremely unhealthy, and I’m happier not to be a part of the situation.
