Here’s a fact you might not think of I get drowned in fucking emails. I’m sure everyone has heard that. Everyone complains about their inboxes overflowing. But let me be clear. Each time I log in, I’m like a child in the pool who forgets that he was wearing a floaty, and it’s pure anxiety. I receive as many as 1,000 emails every week. That’s not even including spam. This is a total of 1,000 emails that must, at a minimum, be acknowledged.
About half of those emails are sent by readers. Email from readers comes in all kinds of forms. There’s fans’ mail (which will always be appreciated, thank you). Some people hate you. You’ve got the snarky. You’ve got the veiled sales pitch. Most messages I receive are to get one particular thing in return: guidance.
But here’s a fact you may or might not be expecting the majority of messages from readers seeking guidance are related to a relationship-related issue. Even though over 80% of my writing is not to be concerned with relationship issues, people with achy hearts tend to come to me.
Most of the questions are based on the same lines: A person is loved by one another more than they love them. The other person treats the other in a way that isn’t understood by anyone else; one person has a problem with what to do and wants to speak out but isn’t sure what to say. Most questions seem dull to those who aren’t living these questions. They are about arguments over the dog, cash, and children. It’s a case of a cranky mother-in-law or a man who doesn’t cut the lawn enough. They are rarely associated with antics, cross-dressing, or damaged furniture… almost.
What’s interesting about relationship issues is that most people believe their problems are unique. Emails could begin with “YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS MARK; THIS IS THE ONLY TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED IN THE UNIVERSE.” However, the reality is that all the situations are similar. In a few cases, hilariously and hilariously.
The issue is that I don’t know whom I am emailing. Also, I’m not sure if I know their spouse. I don’t have any information about their family. I don’t even know their dog. This makes it difficult for me to speak with any confidence or credibility. The emailer claims that his friend’s wife is a complete pimple because she doesn’t clean her teeth after sexual activity. I didn’t know that she’s been bugging him for a long time to trim his pubic area.
OK, strange illustration…
In an ever-expanding attempt to stop the flood of messages in my inbox (you must be aware of) and to assist people in their self-help to improve their lives, here are a few of the top/most important books about relationships I’ve found.
If you’ve stumbled across this site via an email response to your question about love, be assured that I adore you. While you might be unique, special, and exceptional… your issue isn’t. Best of luck.
GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT BY HARVILLE HENDRIX
What you’ll learn: Why all your relationships appear to be screwed up the exact way. The reason you keep pursuing people who look as if they’re your father or mother. What is the reason that most of your fights are based on silly and snarky things that you cannot let go? of
Why it’s good: I read The Art of Getting the love you want approximately ten years ago, which completely blew me off. We’re all familiar with the Freudian notion that we will likely be with our fathers or mothers and that we are destined to revisit the same childhood experiences in adult relationships. But in the same way, the idea was always a bit like crazy nonsense. Then you grow up and enter into a significant affair, and you notice that your partner has left trash everywhere in the house, similar to what your dad used to do; holy crap, is it driving you mad because it evokes the fierce and unpredictable nature of your childhood. I’m trying to convey that if YOU loved me, you would know where you left your keys. I’m not kidding!
Enter: Harville Hendrix. Hendrix offers a genuine plausible, rational explanation of why relationships smack against our toughest places. Our interactions with our parents create the lines on our “emotional maps” of what it means to love and what accepting feels like, what an honest person means, and so on. These maps are then used to determine our choices of who we’re drawn to as we grow older. We feel a strong bond with certain people because they, in our minds, reflect our definitions in terms of love and acceptance and compassion, and other such things. The next thing you know, you’re snoring with a girl who is everything that your mom used to do.
Knowing your parents’ misguided terms for love won’t fix any issue; however, it will provide a little bit of a map to help navigate your love journey. Hendrix calls these our “emotional maps.” We’ve all been there. And we all struggle with studying them. This is why he’s there to help us.
HOLD ME TIGHT
BY SUE JOHNSON
What you’ll learn: How to not cause your relationship issues to worsen and when to put down the door and be attentive to your partner. How to not be a selfish a**hole? Maybe? (OK, but maybe not.)
What’s the reason: Sue Johnson is the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which, according to reports, has been awarded an Olympic silver medal in the category of “therapeutic method that unfucks the most relationships.” EFT has the highest success rate for all types of marriage therapy and couples counseling.
So, what was the most significant breakthrough of Sue Johnson’s? However, one of those events that seem like a given in hindsight was still elusive to psychologists for around 100 years.
