We’ve all known that one individual in our life who we always think, “If only they would ” Every month, year in and year out–we cherish them, we think about them, we fear about them, but when we shut off the lights or turn off our phone we say of ourselves as if “If just they’d ”
Perhaps it’s a family member. Maybe the person is suffering from depression. Heartbroken. Despondent. Maybe they don’t believe in themselves. Every time you meet them, you attempt to inspire them with confidence and confidence. You compliment them on their brand-new Spiderman shirts and tell them how sexy their new haircut is. You jokingly encourage them, give them some uninvolved advice and suggest an article or two and quietly tell yourself:
“If only they believed their own self-belief ”
Maybe it’s a close friend. You might see them getting puffed up right, left, and middle and drinking too much. Behaving like a cheater on their spouse and blowing the entire money on their bizarre yet obsessed go-kart sport. You pull them aside and give them the hands-on-the-shoulders pep talk that friends should do. You suggest they examine their bank statement and lend them money or two. In your head, you think:
“If only they could get their shite together”
Perhaps it’s the worst. Maybe it’s your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Or even worse, it’s your ex-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Perhaps it’s over, but you’re still clinging to the belief that they’ll change. There’s a specific element they did not know that could transform everything. You may continue to buy them books they haven’t had the time to read. You might even drag them to a therapist who they don’t would like to visit. Perhaps you leave tearful voice messages at 2 in the morning, screaming, “WHY am I not enough to you??
We’ve all had the person we’ve known for a while. Being in love with them hurts. However, losing them is painful. Therefore, one of the best ways to regain this emotional tangle is to alter them.
On my speaking tours in the spring, I hosted brief Q&A sessions after each presentation. In every city, at least one person stood up and explained their bad situation extensively and concluded by saying, “How do I get them to change? If they just did something, everything would be much better.”
My answer to every situation was the same: You cannot.
You cannot force someone to change. You can encourage them to make a change. You can help them learn about differences. You can help them through their transformation.
But you won’t be able to make them change.
This is because forcing an individual to do something, regardless of whether it’s to their benefit, requires coercion or manipulation. It involves influencing their lives in a manner that constitutes an act of border violation and will cause harm to the relationship in some instances more so than it aids.
These border violations are often unnoticed since they’re made with good intentions. Timmy was fired from his job. Timmy is on his mother’s couch in tears and suffering from depression each day. Mom is applying for jobs for Timmy. Mom starts screaming at Timmy, making him feel guilty, and accusing him of being an idiot. Perhaps she throws her Playstation to the side to make it look better, to give him an additional boost of inspiration.
HOW BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS FUCK US UP
Although Mom’s intentions might be noble, and some might even view this as a true kind of love that is truly a noble act, This behavior eventually backfires. It’s a boundary breach. It’s taking responsibility for one’s behaviours as well as emotions. Even when it’s done with the best intentions, boundary violations can cause problems in relationships.
Imagine it this way. Timmy feels guilty for his actions. Timmy is trying to find the point of living in this savage, heartless world. Then, all of a sudden, Mom comes in and destroys his Playstation as she leaves and secures an employment opportunity for Timmy. This doesn’t solve Timmy’s issue of believing that this world’s cruel and heartless and that Timmy has no place in it, but it’s additional proof to Timmy that something is fundamentally wrong with him.
In the end, if Timmy was not such a fuck out, he would not require his mom to find work for Timmy and get a job, would he?
Instead of Timmy being taught, “Hey, the world is all right, I can handle this,” the lesson is, “Oh yeah, I’m a grown man who still needs his mother to do everything for him–I knew there was something wrong with me.”
Because of this, the most effective efforts at helping one another often go wrong. You can’t make someone be confident or respect themselves or take responsibility–because the means you use to do this destroys confidence, respect, and responsibility.
If a person is to truly transform, they must be convinced that their choice to change is theirs and that they are in control if they choose to make the change. If not, the change loses all its impact.
A common complaint about the work I do is unlike many self-help writers, I don’t give people instructions on how to proceed. I don’t outline steps for action with A to F or write numerous exercises at the end of each chapter.
However, I’m not doing it for a basic reason: I cannot determine what’s best for you. I’m unable to decide what can make you a better human being. If I do choose to, the fact that I said you should do it instead of taking it on to yourself takes away most of the benefits emotionally.
The people who make up the self-help industry are in it due to their persistent inability to accept responsibility for their actions. The self-help world is full of people who’ve swum through their lives in search of an authority figure, a person or group, or a set of principles to give them the exact direction on how to think about, what to do, and which things to an opinion about.
