It is a quiet place to sit. My friend looks intently at her empty glass and occasionally shifts the ice around with her straw. “Wow,” she says. I expect her to add something else. What began as a fun night eventually transformed into a long, intense discussion on love, what it is made up of, and its rarity.
Then, I’ll say, “Wow, what?”
“I’m just thinking that I’ve never experienced that.”
“Well, maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet,” I suggest–the completely stale phrase everyone says in this scenario.
“No,” she says. “I am referring to the fact that I have not had this experience with anyone. My parents as well as my family and my closest acquaintances.” She stares at me with her eyes wide and wet. “Maybe I don’t even know what love means.”
THE CONDITIONAL COOLNESS ECONOMY
When you’re a teenager, the status of being “cool” is traded like an exchange of value. You collect the most coolness you can, and then you come across youngsters with lots of coolness, and you negotiate to share your coolness in order to create a cooler environment for each other.
If you encounter a kid who is more relaxed than you, ask that nerd off and stop acting like an idiot. You’ll also be dragging down your cool factor because the cool kids may observe you, such as talking to one another.
Your coolness balance will determine the number of people wanting to have relationships with you. If you don’t like sports and you’re excellent at sports, the result is less interest in your relationship. If you’re a pro at playing guitar and guitars are calm, your coolness rating will increase accordingly, and people will be drawn to them again. This is why high school is a perpetual battle to develop your most relaxed persona.
Most of the ridiculous mind games that teenagers play result from this economic coolness. They fight over their friends, boast about what they didn’t do, and believe they like people they dislike and think they’re people they want because it makes them look more excellent than they are, increases their Snapchat followers, and even a blowjob from their prom date.
These high-school-level relationships are dependent because of their nature. They are relationships of I’ll-do-this-for-you-if-you-do-this-for-me. It’s a relationship where the person who was your most trusted friend, because you’re both a fan of the same DJ is your most hated enemy one year later because they mocked the biology course you took. These are relationships that can be erratic. They are also shallow. And extremely dramatic. This is the primary reason that no one has a desire to return.
This is great. Trading in the current economy is a part of growing older and discovering who you are. It is essential to be involved in all the bullshit to overcome it.
Since, at some point, you will get used to the tit-for-tat mentality. You begin to appreciate people as they are, not simply because they play soccer well or have the same toilet paper you do.
GETTING STUCK ON CONDITIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Unfortunately, not everyone gets from these relationships. A lot of people, for no reason, remain in the economic climate of coolness and enjoy the game into adulthood. The manipulation becomes more sophisticated, but the same games exist. They won’t let go of the notion that acceptance and love depend on the benefit they provide to others or some requirement they must fulfill.
The issue with relationship conditions is that they tend to put other things over the relationship. It’s the relationship itself that’s you I’m interested in; however, it’s your connections to people working in the field of music. It’s not me that you’re concerned about, but rather my stunningly beautiful face and clever one-liners (I know this, but it’s fine).
These conditional relationships can be very messed up on a personal level. The reason is that the choice to pursue “coolness” doesn’t just happen. We do because we are embarrassed and must desperately be different.
In other words, it’s not me that I am concerned about, but I’m making me feel great about myself. Perhaps I’m constantly trying to solve your problems, assist you, or make you feel special. Perhaps I’m doing it for sexual pleasure, the money, and to please my buddies. Perhaps you are utilizing me for sex, and it makes me feel happy because, at last, I feel appreciated and appreciated.
You can draw it however you want. However, ultimately, the result is the same. These are relationships that are built by the conditions. They are based on the following: “I will love you only in the event that you make me feel happy about myself. You’ll love me only if I help you feel comfortable self-esteem.”
Conditional relationships are selfish. If I’m concerned about your financial situation more than you, the only thing I’m in an intimate relationship with is money. If you are more concerned about the professional success of your partner than her or her family, then you do not have a connection with her, but only her professional career. If your mother looks after you and takes a liking to your drinking habits to make her feel more comfortable as a mother and a mother, then she doesn’t have a connection with you. Instead, she is in a relationship when she feels satisfied as a mother.
If our relationships are contingent, we don’t have relationships in the first place.
We are drawn to things that appear superficial and concepts and try to experience them through the people we are close to. The resulting relationships are conditional and create a sense of loneliness since no connection is ever made.
