In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song in 1967 that was titled “All You Need Is Love.” He also beat both wives and abandoned the children of one, verbally abusing the gay Jewish manager using homophobic and antisemitic slurs, and was filmed by a camera crew the naked man lying on his mattress for a whole day.
Thirty-five years after, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails composed. Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a track titled “Love Is Not Enough.” Reznor was famous for his outrageous stage performances as well as his shocking and disgusting videos; he stayed clean of all alcohol and drugs, married one woman and had two kids in the same household, and put off entire tours and albums to be able to remain at in his home and be a great father and husband.
One of the two men had a realistic and clear perception of love. One of them didn’t. One of them idealized love as the answer to his issues. Some of them didn’t. One of them was likely a selfish a**hole. One of them, however, was not.
In our society, many people believe in love. We view it as a romantic solution to every problem in life. Our films, stories, and past all proclaim love as life’s ultimate goal and answer to all our suffering and struggles. Since we believe in love, we tend to underestimate it. This means that our relationships are prone to cost.
If we believe that “all we need is love,” and we’re like Lennon, we’re more likely to have essential values like respect, humility, and commitment to the people we feel passionate about. If love is the only thing that matters, why not bother with the rest of the items, including the tough stuff?
If, as Reznor, We believe the notion that “love is not enough,” then we know how strong relationships require more than mere passion or awe-inspiring feelings. We know many things are more critical to our lives and relationships than being in love. The quality of our relationship is dependent on these more profound and vital values.
THREE HARSH TRUTHS ABOUT LOVE
The issue with idealizing love is that it creates false expectations of what love is and what it can accomplish for us. This unrealistic expectation then undermines those relationships we cherish to begin with.
Allow me to illustrate:
LOVE DOES NOT EQUAL COMPATIBILITY
When you fall in love with someone doesn’t indicate that they’re a suitable partner for you to stay with for the rest of your life. It’s an emotional process. Compatibility is a natural process. It is also a fact that the two don’t flow into one another well.
It’s not impossible to fall in with someone who treats us poorly or makes us feel less confident than we do, does not have the same esteem for us as we do for them, or has an unsatisfactory life that they are threatening to drag us down by their actions.
It is possible to fall in with someone with different goals or ambitions that contradict our own or who has different views or beliefs that conflict with our notion of reality.
It is possible to fall in with someone who is a sucker for us, and it is possible to share our joy.
This may sound absurd; however, it’s true.
When I think about the many terrible relationships I’ve witnessed or had people email me about, I realize that many (or all) of these were formed because of emotions–they felt that “spark,” so they did a head-first dive. Don’t forget that he was an adamant Christian alcoholic and that she had an acid-dripping bisexual necrophiliac. It just seemed just right.
Six months later, after she’s thrown his shit onto the lawn, the man is praying to Jesus 12 times a day to save her. They stare and ask, “Gee, where did it go wrong?”
Indeed, the problem was there before it began.
If you are dating or seeking an accomplice, it is essential to use not just your heart but also your mind. You want to find someone to make your heart beat faster and your breath smells like cherries. However, it would help if you also had to assess the person’s beliefs, how they conduct themselves and people close to them, their ambitions, and their views on the world in general.
If you fall in love with someone who’s not compatible with your personality, as an instructor in skiing in South Park once said, you’re bound to have a rough time.
LOVE DOES NOT SOLVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
The first girl I met, and I were utterly in love with one another. We also grew up in various cities, didn’t have money to go out together, and had families that were bitter towards each other and had a whirlwind of fights and drama every week.
Each time we would fight at times, we’d talk to each other the following day to make up and remind one another of how we were really into our relationship and how all the little things have significance because we’re in love. We’ll find ways to resolve it so that everything will be perfect, so just be patient and watch. Our affection made us feel as if we were conquering the issues we faced, yet on a more practical level, nothing changed.
