You’ve just had a bad. You may feel down because you were caught up in a boring work drama or are still reeling after a heated argument with your parent or partner. A good old-fashioned talk with a buddy can help you release some steam. You might tell your friends about childhood trauma or a difficult breakup in the hope that they will make you feel better. Have you ever thought about how venting your frustrations can affect those who are the recipients?
It may seem that friends are there to listen and offer sympathy. Venting is not always a good idea. We forget that friends aren’t therapists, and treating them like one can harm the relationship –and their mental health. Jaclyn Bsales, LCSW, a trauma-informed therapist based out of New Bsales, agrees that venting is a good way to reduce stress, especially when you can express your feelings. But revealing traumatic or distressing events without considering whether the receiver is open to receiving this information or willing to do so can be overwhelming and harmful.
It doesn’t mean that you have to bottle up your emotions. The experts SELF spoke to recommend that you try to be mindful when venting to a friend. Here are a few tips to help you vent healthily.
Give your friend an alert before you vent
It may occur to you: Do I have to ask permission from my best friend to vent? It may seem awkward, but a simple text or a casual question like “Are we free to talk this evening?” can show that you respect their time and boundaries. “I want to discuss this thing that occurred at work,” shows them that you respect their boundaries and time, Racine H., Ph.D., LMFT, a therapist at Northwestern University, tells SELF.
You’ll be less likely to overwhelm or blindside your friend with the issue you have for them, says Dr. Henry. She adds that you give them the space and option to say no or suggest another time when they can better support you. This brings us to our second tip…
Consider scheduling a time when you can talk about something serious
Having an emotional conversation on a Tuesday evening is not a good idea. It may seem important to let your emotions out (right now! Right now! Bsales says that some conversations are not appropriate at present. No rules are set in stone, but scheduling a conversation about a sensitive topic, such as a toxic relative or a possible breakup between a friend and another friend, can ensure the issue gets attention.
It depends on the situation. If it’s an urgent crisis or emergency, then you can call your friend (no matter what). If it can wait, give them time to prepare. Your friend may be having a bad day and wants to spend time alone. Maybe they’re going through a bad breakup themselves and don’t have the energy to advise their ex. Bsales recommends asking them to suggest a time and day convenient for you to discuss whatever difficult issue you’re facing, either in person or on the phone.
Consider it a conversation, not just a personal venting session
It’s important to remember that friendships are two-way streets, even if you feel like ranting. Even if you have a pressing issue, there are ways to make it feel like a mutually supportive conversation. Bsales says you can do this by thanking your friend and returning the favor. You can ask them about their lives, for example, or whether they have anything that they would like to air. She says, “Let them express their feelings and vent if they want to” by giving them space.
It is important to be aware of this when you are discussing sensitive subjects, such as grief, abuse, Dr. Henry says. Ask if you can continue to share or if the person needs a moment. Or change the topic. “Allow them to speak up, as they also want to be heard and seen,” says Dr. Henry. This interchange is crucial for mutual support.
Other ways to reduce stress
If you’re in a crisis, it may be your instinct to rush to your friend and verbally spit out everything that comes to mind. Try not to do it too often. Otherwise, you may overwhelm them, tire them out, or make them feel bad because they could not help you.
Bsales advises that learning how to deal with stress on your own is crucial. Writing down your thoughts or a Journaling Alternative, like voice notes, is a great way to calm yourself. It doesn’t matter what you choose, so long as you can calm yourself and take a moment before you lash out at your friend with your negative emotions — anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety.
