Cheating is probably the most obvious example of a devastating deception in romantic relationships, but even white lies can hurt and leave you wondering how to trust your partner. Maybe they said they loved your lasagna when in reality, they dread pasta night. Or perhaps the breach of trust was something more serious, like a giant credit card purchase behind your back. Regardless of what your partner was dishonest about, any lie from a loved one–big or small–can shake your sense of security and lead to trust issues.
“The basics of any healthy relationship is trust,” Angie Sadhu, MS, LMFT, a Manhattan Marriage and Family Therapy therapist, tells SELF. “For any romance to thrive, trust and open communication are necessary; without them, conflict is bound to arise.” For one, Sadhu says you tend to fight more when doubting each other’s intentions, and you run the risk of constantly monitoring and suffocating each other too. This tension can also bring about feelings of anxiety or stress–which can further strain your relationship.
The good news is that a lie doesn’t always mark the kiss of death in relationships. But that isn’t to say trusting your partner again after they’ve given you a reason not to is an easy feat. Beyond the obvious “I’m sorry” or “I promise I won’t do it again” from the offending party, rebuilding that foundation requires effort and commitment from both sides and time–Sadhu says. And if you’re not sure where to begin, consider these practical ways to rebuild trust in your relationship, one step at a time.
Let yourself be angry, disappointed, or upset
Even a relatively minor lie can trigger a whirlwind of emotions like rage, confusion, insecurity, or sadness. But as tempting as it may be to push these painful feelings aside, the first step in moving forward is embracing them head-on, Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a New York-based psychologist and advisor for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation, tells SELF. This can mean having a good cry if needed, indulging in a vent session with a close friend, or just sitting with your uncomfortable feelings and observing them with curiosity and compassion. However you process your reaction to your partner’s actions, what’s important is acknowledging that there’s no “wrong” way to feel, Dr. Lira de la Rosa says, and that fighting your emotions will only prevent you from working through them.
Sit down with your partner and talk about what happened
There might be dozens of questions in your head: Why did they lie to me? How could they do this? What else are they hiding? Experts say these doubts are completely normal, and you must get all the answers you need toto move forward. (And if your partner isn’t open to addressing your concerns, gets overly defensive, or blames you for the deception, those are red flags worth paying attention to.)
“It’s not going to be an easy conversation, and confronting your partner can seem overwhelming,” Sadhu says. “Talking about the betrayal requires a lot of patience and vulnerability from both sides.” Maybe you don’t want to hear the nitty-gritty details of an emotional affair, say, or perhaps you’re not ready to acknowledge how much it hurts when your partner discloses your private mental health struggles to their friends. But after the initial shock and pain subside, you should take some time to be honest with each other and discuss the elephant in the room. Otherwise, Dr. Lira de la Rosa says this issue will inevitably be the source of future, endless arguments.
Hear them out–as calmly as you can
No one wants to hear excuses from a liar. After all, what could justify months of cheating or even lying by omission? But when your partner eventually explains the reasons behind their dishonesty, Sadhu recommends trying your best to resist the urge to interrupt or argue with them. We know: This can be extremely difficult, but staying calm, cool, and collected can help a tough conversation go a little smoother, she says. Plus, it can prevent you from being overly accusatory, which will only deter them from telling you the truth in the future.
If you’re unsure how to respond in a situation like this, Sadhu says it’s best to focus on using non-defensive language. For example, express your frustrations with “I” statements, like “I felt hurt by what you did” or “I don’t know if I can trust you again,” rather than “You don’t care about my feelings” or “You can’t be trusted.” Remember: You may not like all the answers you get, and no matter what your partner says, it won’t excuse any of their behaviors. But remaining open to hearing their side of the story, and expressing yours as calmly as possible, will foster healthy, honest communication. According to Sadhu, you’ll need to get past the lie and rebuild trust.
Observe any changes they’ve made to become more trustworthy
Okay, so you’ve talked it out, and your partner sincerely apologized for their dishonesty, and you want to forgive them. Now what? As you try to move forward, pay attention to the changes in their behavior, Sadhu says. In other words, they’ve talked the talk, but can they also walk the talk?
These adjustments might be gradual and subtle, so Dr. Lira de la Rosa suggests asking yourself: Does my partner apologize when they’ve done something wrong? Or do they default to defensiveness? When they feel hurt, do they share what’s troubling them? Or do they hide these feelings from me?
She says no matter what kind of lie your partner tells, accountability for mistakes and openly sharing feelings is essential for rebuilding trust. Plus, paying attention to their efforts to mend the damage (or lack thereof) can help you determine if they’re truly committed to changing or if it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
