Even white lies, which are not as obvious, can be hurtful and make you wonder how to trust someone. They may have said that they love your lasagna but, in reality, hate pasta night. Perhaps the breach was more serious, like a large credit card purchase behind your back. No matter what the dishonesty was, a lie by a loved one–whether it’s big or small- can shake your trust and cause you to feel insecure.
Angie Sadhu is a therapist with Manhattan Marriage and Family Therapy. She tells SELF that trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Sadhu says that trust and open communication is essential for any relationship to flourish. Without them, conflicts are bound to occur. You also run the risk of constantly monitoring each other and suffering. This tension can lead to feelings of worry and stress, which can strain your relationship.
It’s good to know that lying doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. But this doesn’t mean you can trust your partner again after they have given you reasons not to. Sadhu says that beyond the obvious, I’m sorry, and “I promise not to do it again,” both parties must work hard at rebuilding trust. If you don’t know where to start, try these simple steps to restore trust in your relationship.
Allow yourself to be angry, disappointed, or upset
Even a minor lie can cause negative emotions such as anger, confusion, or insecurity. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., is a New York psychologist and advisor for Hope for Depression Research Foundation. He tells SEL It may be necessary to have a good cry, engage in a vente session, or simply sit with your uncomfortable emotions and observe them. It doesn’t matter how you react to your partner’s actions, but it is important to acknowledge that there are no wrong feelings.
Discuss the events with your partner
You may have a thousand questions: Why did they lie to me? How could they have done this? What else do they have to hide? Experts say these doubts are normal, and you should get the necessary answers to move on. If your partner doesn’t want to address your concerns, is overly defensive, or blames the deception on you, these are warning signs worth paying attention to.
Sadhu explains that confronting your partner will be difficult, and confronting your partner may seem overwhelming. Talking about betrayal takes a lot of patience and vulnerability on both sides. Maybe you don’t care to know the details of an emotionally charged affair, or maybe After the initial shock has subsided, it’s important to talk about the issue. Otherwise, this will lead to endless arguments in the future.
Listen to them as calmly and clearly as possible
Nobody wants to hear an excuse from a liar. What could justify months of lying or cheating? Sadhu says that when your partner finally explains the reasons for their dishonesty, you should resist the urge to argue or interrupt them. She says that while it can be difficult to stay calm and cool during a tough discussion, keeping your cool can make the conversation more pleasant. It can also prevent you from being too accusatory. This will deter people from speaking the truth to you in the future.
Sadhu advises that it is best to use non-defensive words if you are unsure how to react. If you’re unsure how to respond, Sadhu says using non-defensive language is best. For example, you can express your frustration using “I” statements. Sadhu says that if you remain open to their story and express yours calmly, you will be able to have the healthy communication necessary to move past the lie.
Be sure to note any changes they have made to be more trustworthy
You’ve had a good talk with your partner, and they have apologized for being dishonest. Now you want to be forgiven. What now? Sadhu advises that you should pay attention to any changes in their behavior as you move forward. They’ve talked the talking, but can also they walk the walk?
If unsure, ask yourself: Does my partner apologize for their mistakes? Do they tend to be defensive? Do they tell you what they’re feeling when they are hurt? Do they keep their feelings hidden from me?
She says that no matter how much your partner lied, accepting responsibility for their mistakes and being open about feelings is essential to rebuilding trust. You can also determine whether they are truly trying to repair the damage by paying attention to the efforts (or lack thereof) and if you need to reevaluate your relationship.
Avoid the temptation to “helicopter over” them
When your partner truly apologizes, they should follow up with concrete actions. If you’re expecting them to show you their messages or location 24/7, you might expect that they will hand over their phone. It’s only fair that they repay you for the trust they have violated.
It may seem that sharing passwords with someone or watching their back when they are on social media is the best way to “get revenge,” but in the end, it can do more harm than benefit. A study from 2020 revealed that cell phone spying did not build trust. Instead, it increased feelings of distrust and frustration, which led to a breakup. Spending the next days, weeks, or even months monitoring and questioning your partner’s whereabouts and activities may seem justified but it is not a good way to build trust.
Sadhu recommends setting new expectations for them to help you trust them again. Make sure they are comfortable with the requests, too. Consider it a compromise. If, for example, your partner has been hiding the extent of his or her “friendship” (which is suspicious) with a colleague, it would be unreasonable to expect they will ignore them. Are they willing to limit their contact outside the office?
According to Dr. Lira De la Rosa, if your goal is mutual respect, keeping an eye on someone or questioning their loyalty will not get you there. It’s understandable to want to monitor their behavior. Still, it can be problematic if you continue pushing them away or questioning them even when they try to be honest.
