You’ve met someone, and things are going well. You’ve had a few dates, and you text each other every day. All signs point to the relationship becoming something. You may have been dating so long that you are comfortable in your relationship and feel fine. Then, that nagging question creeps into your mind. Am I wasting time by trying to force the relationship, or is this person really “the one?” When you are sure, you will know. But when you are not certain, you will know as well. It’s just that it is harder to admit.
We’ve all chosen to ignore our gut feelings and stayed with people who we knew weren’t the right fit for us. We stay with people because it is easier than being by ourselves; we “should” enjoy the person, or we are worried that there will be no one else. There may be something missing in the person who checks all of the boxes. It’s not “you; it is me” when it comes to breakups. Sometimes, it’s neither you nor me but the “us.” Compatibility is not always predictable. When you don’t know what’s missing, it’s hard to tell.
You are more interested in a relationship than the person.
You may love the idea of being in a relationship more than you do this person. Think about whether you would be friends with the person. Would you still want to be with them even if a relationship or spiritual friendship was not possible? What if the person didn’t want to marry or live in another state? Would you like to stay with them or move on to someone else more convenient? You may be more interested in being in a romantic relationship with someone if you are only with them because they are timely or you want a relationship.
You’re self-conscious
Spark or no, if someone stifles, makes you feel as if you must censor yourself, or overthinks your words and actions, then it’s not a real partnership. Why would you want a “spark” if it is chemistry between you and your partner? It’s not worth your time to waste it on a relationship that requires you to walk on eggshells in order for it to work.
Arguments can’t repair a relationship.
We learn mixed messages about disagreements within a relationship as we grow. We either expect to be in a passionate relationship (like The Notebook), where sparks mean constant fights, or we think that “The One” is the perfect person for you. We never have to disagree with them because they do nothing wrong. One fight or mistake means there is someone better.
Compatibility and relationship success are not determined by whether you agree or disagree but rather how you handle disagreements. Your perfect match will not be a robotic person (just an educated guess). Remember that you’ll both make mistakes. You will have bad days. And arguments may occur. Be aware of how your partner reacts during these times. Does your partner listen to you and communicate well? Do they never repeat the same mistake? Are you both more concerned about your relationship than being right? Do you have trouble communicating? Do you hold on to resentment and feel that every argument could mean the end of your relationship? You might be forcing your relationship if you don’t see a rebound in closeness after a fight.
You are more affectionate in public than you are in private.
Each person and each relationship are unique. You may think it’s silly to share your monthiversaries with friends on Instagram, or you might be embarrassed to kiss in front of them. Or you may want to let the world know that you are happy. You should both show affection in private as well as in public. You may display taste accidentally if the spark is present rather than overtly. For example, you might smirk across the room or hold hands under the dining table. Or you could tell them you love them before you go to bed.
You might instead publicly tease your partner, brag about their accomplishments, and steal a hug or kiss when no one is watching. Your relationship may be more about showing off than it is about how you really feel.
You hope that some things will change about them.
You’re forcing the spark if you think, This person would be great if [insert something here] or We’ll have an amazing relationship when they [insert a change here]. Forced sparks do not last. It’s not necessary to always share the same beliefs, values, or attitudes. But you should at least be able to respect and appreciate those differences. You shouldn’t have to change someone to love them. If you blame a lack of attraction on a bad haircut or bad style, it’s likely that the situation will not modify, even if your partner gets a new hairstyle or changes their wardrobe. You should feel an attraction to them based on how you connect with their bodies.
You can’t trust anyone.
Women’s intuition will always be right. You are not the right person if you can’t trust someone to be faithful. I also want to talk about other ways you can trust them. You’ll value their opinion, count them, and have faith in their character if they’re worth your time. You trust their honesty and do not question their integrity. You feel secure when they call, and they do as they promise. It’s not just about attraction. A spark can also be based on your connection, even if you aren’t physically together.
It would be best if you pretended to be interested or vice versa.
Your partner and you probably share many interests. You should because dating someone else would be boring. You may not always be interested in what their passions or hobbies are, but you should be curious because you care about them and want to be able to share with them. You shouldn’t feel like you have to pretend that you don’t enjoy listening to Broadway soundtracks while driving or that you’re not interested in talking about the latest fashion trends because your partner will probably ignore them. The person you are dating should be interested in everything that you enjoy and want to talk about it. The spark may not be present if their eyes glaze when you tell them about your day or if you do not care to inquire about their latest hobby.
