It is important to note that while I use specific gender designations, my intention is not to exclude or generalize behavior unfairly because of someone’s preferred identification. This article is a collection of themes that I’ve heard from heterosexual couples who are cisgender in my work as a couples counselor. This content can and should be used in all relationships, regardless of gender or identification.
“Help! Does this sound familiar? A common theme that I hear in my couples is about repairing old conflict. In general, I’ve listened to men describe and experience similar things to their female counterparts.
You want to know the truth, don’t you? Here are a few common reasons she might keep bringing the past up and hold grudges.
Why does this woman keep bringing the past up? You aren’t validating her in the way she needs it.
It is often because people don’t believe they were heard or understood. To be clear, it is not your “job to validate and help your partner feel understood the way they need. Forgiveness is something we all choose to do, and that means letting go unconditionally regardless of whether or not we are validated the way we require. Would like to be able to do that.).
You can validate more effectively by naming the emotion of her experience without putting yourself in her situation for a second. Ask yourself: What is she saying to you? Reflect it. You can do it!
You can say, for example: “I understand how I upset you by doing X.” At that moment, nothing else is needed! When she feels validated and that you understand her upset, then she will return to a more rational and logical state. Her defensive or emotional state will be more regulated. Once she has moved on from the emotional state, you can explain the misunderstanding more logically (e.g., Your experience. “That was not my intention, and I can understand how we misunderstood one another. I intended to ______. “I never meant to hurt you, and I’m sorry that it felt like that.”
Validation has tremendous power! It is now up to her to let go of the past.
Why does the woman keep bringing it up? You keep trying to “fix” the problem.
It may be that you’re trying to solve the problem rather than simply acknowledging it. Men tend to process things internally and then decide how to express themselves externally or emotionally. TOTALLY OPPOSE. We don’t think that either side is wrong or right, but we approach issues in a completely different way.
You must be incredibly negative to perceive her!
She is not “negative”; she’s just processing her emotions in the way she knows best: to experience it and then think about it. You might perceive her as “negative” because you usually process feelings first. You may perceive her as negative because you don’t usually feel emotions first to process them.
She needs to be careful not to project them on you. It is not okay for her to act aggressively toward you just because she has a more emotional response.
As an example, let’s say that she is not feeling well when she gets home. She storms into the room, throws down her purse, and yells, “I hate my work!” It isn’t very good! It isn’t very good! “I’m so tired!” You might feel triggered and want to hide in your shell or turn up the TV. You might think, “Ugh! Here we go again!” You might say, “I wish she were just happy.” You can show off how you commute, earn money, and leave early. “Who cares about what your colleagues think of you?”
You are actually trying to “fix” her mood, not her problem. Her mood is making you uncomfortable. She interprets this as being dismissed. You both may then get into an argument, and she could get even more angry. Then you feed your narrative: “See, she is always negative!” She will never be happy, and provides the narrative that “He doesn’t listen and doesn’t care how I feel or about me.”
Try giving her emotional space first. Allow her to vent, and then give her a positive response. I can totally understand how frustrated you feel with your work. “It must be difficult not to like your co-workers.”
Why does this woman keep bringing the past up? She doesn’t feel the past was fully repaired.
In order to repair conflict healthily, it is important that both parties acknowledge each other’s perspective and not try to win an argument. You can’t fix anything effectively with your partner if your goal is to win. It is important to understand each other better. You will feel more secure in your relationship and continue to respect one another. Instead of being defensive, try to understand the reasons your partner is hurt. You may feel compelled to tell your partner that they’re “wrong” if you disagree or if your intentions were misunderstood. It becomes a matter of being “right” instead of validating the other person and understanding their misunderstanding. Validating each other can help you clear up misunderstandings and create consistency for future issues.
Why does this woman keep bringing the past up? You take her moods personally.
Women are more emotional by nature. You might assume that she is being emotional or expressing a reaction PERSONALLY towards you. You may be afraid of her response and don’t wish to create a bigger problem by saying “the wrong” thing. But try to remind yourself that she may not even have an issue with you. Try to get her to clarify without being defensive. For example, “Are you angry with me?” instead of “What the heck did I do to you?” or “What is your problem?”
She may say that she’s struggling with something external to your relationship. You know that it is not personal at this point, so you can support her without getting into an argument. You can ask her, “What do I need at this time?” or “How may I help?”. This will help her to de-escalate.
