This issue is a common complaint during couples therapy. My partner never listens to me. We always end up in a deadlock. I feel pushed to the point of exploding .”. The person who wants immediate resolution often feels abandoned, anxious, and betrayed, while the person who desires space feels violated, controlled, and terrified of saying something wrong. Both parties are unable to communicate in a way that the other can understand, and so this cycle of miscommunication continues for months or even years. This is the issue that often brings couples to therapy or separates them.
If you are in a relationship, you know how frustrating it can be to get stuck in this cycle if both parties cannot find mutual acceptance and repair. You may feel like you’re in a relationship that isn’t working after the 100th time. As an Attachment-Based Therapist, I can assure you that the cycle is present in all relationships I have worked with or heard about. We are all human, and we have a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. We may have experienced these feelings as children or in past relationships. This can make it even more difficult to deal with our fears in the present relationship when we are unable to work together. Our innate responses to perceived rejection, ridicule, or abandonment are often a result of deep emotional attachment wounds from experiences that we might not be aware of.
There is no perfect human being. Regardless of how well you love your partner and how much respect and trust you share, your fight-or-flight response may trigger your partner, resulting in a cycle. It is also a problem for my husband and me (I call it “a dance”), and I tell my clients it’s important to normalize the cycle and set realistic goals to “solve” this together. Try to see your disconnect as a conflicting biological response to the threat of losing a relationship instead of looking through the lens of victimhood, blame, or righteousness. You may feel the need for immediate repair because your parent or an ex-partner has abandoned you. Or, perhaps you panic when you think that your partner is tired. This may seem irrational, but we must be kind to ourselves. Our brains are programmed to respond automatically to perceived threats in order to stay alive. Your partner may have had a different defense mechanism that kept them “safe” (such as freeze or flight).
This “dance” can be painful and cause heartbreak. However, it is worth exploring both individually and together for the ultimate growth of your relationship.
You can both learn how to fix hurts and misunderstandings so that they don’t continue to repeat. This is sometimes only possible when you have a -trained professional.
You might feel abandoned if your partner shuts down during a conflict. Especially if they become angry, stop speaking, or worse… physically depart. Please read the following reasons for your partner’s need for space before you continue to torture yourself.
- In the past, they were rejected or criticized by their parents/caregivers/friends/ex-partners. This may have given them the impression that what was said wasn’t valid. They may have received the message that their flaws were profound and they don’t feel good.
- Conflict triggers them. It may be because they experienced a lot of conflict as children with their parents or siblings. It could also be that they were raised without conflict and are very afraid of it. They struggle to ease their anxiety over confrontation and conflict.
- They are intimidated. Imagine your partner as a beautiful clam holding a pearl. In moments of panic, a clam will shut itself down to protect itself. Their shell evolved to be hard and cold in order to protect the clam’s vulnerable, squishy interior and repel intruders. The clam is safe when closed. The calm is susceptible when it’s open even halfway. They are very sensitive to predators and often think that a giant is trying to forcefully pry their shell open hard with a blade. They may eventually give up in defeat or bite harder and harder.
- In stressful situations, they need more time to process thoughts and emotions. You can argue well. You can express every thought and emotion you have. They don’t work that way. They may feel intimidated by your openness and quickness to understand feelings. Therefore, they will want to be sure that they fully understand themselves before they express the “wrong.” They may say the “wrong thing” when pushed into communication, making them feel less confident about trying again. You may feel pressure to understand their feelings, which can make it easier for them to classify or shut down.
- They don’t get the conflict/argument. It can be as simple as not knowing what the argument is about or agreeing to “argue” about it. They are trying to prevent the argument from getting worse. Unfortunately, they do not realize how that makes you feel.
You may have more compassion if you realize that your partner is not trying to hurt you. Most likely, they are not trying to break you by withholding feelings and thoughts. They’re not trying to make you abandon or dismiss. It is best to get couples counseling as soon as possible to avoid damaging your relationship and self-esteem.
