What to expect in couple therapy? This is a question that you might ask yourself if this is your first time. Counseling can be overwhelming because it can bring up feelings you’ve been trying to suppress for a long time. It can be even more overwhelming when you and your partner are both experiencing uncomfortable emotions. People who have never been to couples therapy may feel anxious that the boat will tip. Couples may be nervous that the process will reveal they were not meant to live together. It is perfectly normal and valid to feel anxious when exploring couples therapy. The boat may tip over and rock. You may discover that you don’t want to continue your relationship, but in my eight years of counseling, I have rarely seen the boat sink.
Take a deep breath if you’re unsure of what couples therapy is about. This blog should help you and your partner understand what to expect from couples therapy and some red flags that could indicate that you’re not seeing the best couples therapist.
Before I begin, let me say that not all therapists have the same style. We all have our styles, approaches, and philosophies. Before scheduling an appointment, it is important to consult with couples therapists who are available in your area to determine if they will be a good fit.
Couples therapists should be direct. ( much more straightforward than what you might have experienced in individual therapy.
We need to be very directive if we want to be helpful to you in achieving your goals. A good couples therapist will be willing to guide the sessions so that you can both learn a new way of communicating with each other.
You can expect to see us for a 55-minute individual session in week 2.
We do this because we value both of you equally, and we need to evaluate the person as a whole person along with the relationship. We want to know how you see the world and what influences this. This is not a session to express your grievances against your partner but to get to know you both on a deeper level. This allows us to understand you better, your point of view, and any triggers that may come up in couples therapy.
Both of you will feel equally heard, validated, and respected (and yes, even when one of you “messed up”).
Couples therapists who are competent will always be objective. We are not here to take sides or point fingers. We are here to help you and your partner understand each other, no matter what brought you both into therapy.
You will eventually learn how to communicate better.
Healing, reconnecting, and communicating effectively can take time. We often unpack subconscious childhood issues that have created barriers in our relationship. We’re working to create a new level of trust, one that you both have probably never experienced before. Please be patient and don’t look for immediate results.
Before your relationship feels better, you may think that it is getting worse.
In many cases, counseling is similar to losing 20 pounds. In theory, it is easy. You eat less, and you exercise more. Unfortunately, the process can be more difficult than the theory. You may both find yourself at a stage in therapy where you feel sore for several days and are not interested in going to the gym anymore because you’ve become discouraged. We are complex beings, and we must be patient and gracious with each other and ourselves.
Expect to be focusing on how you two relate to one another. The focus should not be on the “he said/she said” content or rehashing of the same argument repeatedly.
We are here to help you and your partner restructure the way you communicate with each other. We will not focus on the content of arguments or what we talk about because that isn’t going to get us anywhere. Your therapist is not going to pay you to watch your argument.
You will feel exposed.
Couples therapy can be a very vulnerable process, and you might not feel comfortable with letting down your guard. This is perfectly normal! You will be guided.
You can expect to fight with your partner’s therapist.
You can argue with your couples therapist if you want to. We’re interested in how you two communicate. We will usually jump in and try to de-escalate and calm down the situation.
Couples therapists will interrupt you.
We will help you to process your feelings and pain healthily. We will interrupt because we are trying to discover the vulnerabilities of both you and your partner rather than just letting you sit with your defensiveness or unprocessed reaction.
At least, it will address sexuality.
You should at least discuss sex, as it’s a major part of your relationship. Even if you don’t want to discuss it, a competent couple therapist will ask about your sexual life. In couples therapy, sex and the communication surrounding sex are welcome.
RED FLAGS TO INDICATE THAT YOU ARE NOT VISITING THE RIGHT COUPLES THERAPIST
- A couples therapist will only listen to you and your partner.
- Couples therapists never intervene or help you two to de-escalate when emotions/arguments are at their highest.
- Couples therapists don’t help couples resolve conflict or see the world from their partner’s perspective.
- The couple’s therapist does not spend equal time listening to both of you. (Or address why they strategically spend more time with someone over another.
- The couple’s therapist is not a neutral party.
- Even if there is no sexual issue, the couple’s therapist will never discuss sex.
- For every session, you can drive the couples therapist.
- Couples therapists never address the elephant in the room.
Would you like to schedule an appointment with our team? We are a small group of Relationship Therapists who specialize in couples therapy and sex counseling. Please complete a Contact Form. We will get back to you within 48 hours.
