You may be wondering how to stop parenting your partner, as you have probably tried everything that comes to mind. You might be about to break up or fantasize that there is greener grass on the opposite side. We would suggest that you take a few moments to reflect before making any rash choices. It is important to work on ourselves rather than stay in a place of blame when we are in this situation. It is crucial to understand your role and to do the necessary work to express your needs.
It can be icky to parent your partner. Icky may not be the best word for feelings. But sometimes, icky can express our resentment and frustration. There is often a dominant personality that makes most of the decisions in a relationship. However, when couples begin to feel more like a parent/child, then there are deeper issues to be addressed.
As a therapist, I’ve heard themes in my work with couples. One of the most common complaints I hear from couples is that their partner doesn’t seem to have changed or matured. We often choose partners who are opposite to us, and this can lead one person to feel taken advantage of or resentful. It’s not because relationships work that way. They aren’t a quid pro quo (e.g., the more I give, the more I’ll receive). Our relationships are seldom 50/50. Did you hear what I said? We often expect 50/50 relationships, but they are rare. We all have different perspectives on the world, and we need to cultivate and appreciate the balance in our relationships.
It may be that the feeling of “parenting” your partner started at the beginning of your relationship or as circumstances changed over time (or remained “stagnant”). It is important to know why it began and to really understand what you truly would like to change.
In general, people who have a more “dominant,” assertive personality tend to be the leaders of their families. They may be the boss, the oldest child, or the “parent” within their family. It can be argued that these traits are the result of nature or nurture. I think it’s both. Being dominant and assertive can be a defensive mechanism created during early childhood in order to protect oneself, their family, or circumstances. Maybe their dominant behavior was a result of being bullied by family members or peers as children. Or, perhaps their ability to control their lives is due to the unfairness of having unreliable or addicted parents. Their trauma and natural personality traits have combined to make them more self-reliant, organized, and particular.
People who are more tolerant and less aggressive may have learned to use these techniques as a way to protect themselves. Maybe their inability to express their opinions stemmed from the fact that they had a parent who had a mental illness and were not allowed to voice their opinion. Or maybe they felt content because they were told they would never achieve. You can see that their trauma, combined with their personality traits, has led to more timidity, patience, and flexibility.
Both personality traits are not without their pros and cons. There are areas of weakness and strengths. Instead of labeling each other as “controlling,” “lazy,” or “lazy,” we should learn to appreciate and accept each other’s differences. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding our childhood, the people closest to us often misunderstand our adult reactions.
Before you decide to leave your partner or continue the same argument, ask yourself these questions if you feel resentment and isolation while parenting.
- Write down the reasons why you fell in love with your partner. Do you find yourself frustrated by any of these traits or reasons? What has changed in your view?
- What do you expect from your partner? Are they unrealistic, harsh, or coming from a judgemental place?
- What childhood needs may still be triggering in your life today? If you and your partner are arguing about money, is it possible that they’re insecure about the future? Or do you want more security or reliability for yourself? It’s possible that you subconsciously speak in code when arguing about content-related issues, which may be a sign of insecurity or need.
- You may be feeling like you have lost control of your life. Have you told your partner in a vulnerable way that you feel stuck without blaming them?
- Is it possible that you find it difficult to ask for assistance? How could this be causing you to come across as defensive, controlling, or demanding?
- Are you prone to trying to control, fix, and save others? What is the source of this?
- Do you feel valued, seen, and appreciated in your relationship? What could be contributing to your frustration or expectations if you don’t feel valued and seen?
