It’s a big, exciting step to move in with your partner. This is when the honeymoon period returns, where you are both in a state of bliss and have nothing more important than spending time with each other. This milestone is often accompanied by increased nerves or even fear about how your relationship might change. Moving in together will probably change your relationship. But there’s good news.
We won’t sugarcoat the fact that there will be times when you and your partner feel more like roommates than partners. For example, when the only thing on your mind is who’s taking out the trash or whether one of you remembers to pay the bill. It’s what we call “roommate syndrome,” and although it is perfectly normal to have it from time to time, there are ways you can avoid it.
What is the roommate syndrome?
Hilary Weinstein is a Licensed Clinical Social worker, Private Practice Therapist, and owner of HLW therapy. She says that roommate syndrome occurs “when the novelty wears off” and couples reach a plateau.
When the novelty of living together fades, couples tend to lose focus on their relationship and become more focused on day-to-day tasks. If you used to go on dates before moving in together, but you now wonder, “Why do we need date nights when we are together every night?” you may be suffering from roommate syndrome.
Weinstein stresses that it is normal for couples to feel stuck at times, particularly after the honeymoon phase when they are experiencing “high after a high.” Excuse me while I take a deep breath of relief.
What is the cause of roommate syndrome?
Mia DiBiase is the co-host of the dating podcast Mostly Balancing. She describes roommate as the “inverse of the honeymoon stage.” Couples often experience this as they settle into their everyday routines, with less focus on exciting date nights.
As you become accustomed to living with your spouse, you will begin to notice quirks and irritations. This can make your partner feel like a roommate rather than a romantic companion.
Weinstein continues, “When I imagine roommate syndrome as a couple’s problem, my mind immediately conjures up a relationship where one or both partners are complacent.” When a person is satisfied with themselves and refuses to see the areas that need improvement, they are unaware of the harm this can cause to a relationship. Growth becomes stifled.
Avoiding roommate syndrome
The honeymoon phase isn’t going to last forever. But Weinstein says that a relationship that is stagnant for too long won’t be optimal. So, while the roommate syndrome may be common, you shouldn’t just accept it and move on. Find out how to avoid the roommate syndrome.
Communication is a constant work in progress.
One piece of advice for relationships that I will preach and follow forever is never to stop improving communication. Couples who are able to communicate well will outlast those who don’t. Communication is the key to so many disagreements, and I’ve seen it in my own life.
You’ll be more likely to be successful in overcoming the roommate syndrome if you know your communication style early. Weinstein also agrees that the best way to avoid roommate syndrome is to have each partner be open to listening to their partner’s needs and wants, evaluating what changes can be made, and taking action to grow.
Break your routine
Keep things interesting. It’s impossible to have a relationship that is all fun all the time, but falling into a mundane schedule won’t do you any good. Don’t hesitate to change up your routine with your partner, even if you enjoy it. Even small changes can make a difference. You might start your day by eating breakfast each morning at the kitchen counter while scrolling through Facebook and exchanging brief remarks. What if you took your coffee with you one morning? Take a walk with your partner without any phones. Make an effort, no matter how small, to stay fresh. Try something new, or go about your daily routine differently.
Self-care is important
You can’t expect your relationship to flourish if you aren’t thriving yourself. You don’t have to feel great all the time or be at your best, but you must take care of yourself. You can fall back in love with yourself by getting a massage, taking a alone vacation, or using one of our free self-care techniques. It would be best if you gave yourself time and attention. If you don’t, how can you expect to provide that same level of care and attention to a partner?
When you move in with someone, it can be tempting to change your routine. (For example, you could reduce your shower time from 20 to 12 minutes. Or you might not watch the shows you like to unwind because your partner doesn’t). But too many sacrifices will breed resentment. Take this as a sign to take care of yourself and be refreshed to bring your best to your relationship.
Plan regular date nights.
DiBiase & Weinstein say that feeling stagnant in your relationship can cause roommate syndrome. You’ll have fewer date nights and more couch time once you move in together with your partner.
It’s okay to watch a little and relax, but schedule dates out whenever you can. I keep a list on my phone with all the places that my boyfriend and I want to visit. This way, if we ever have a night off, I can easily pull up the options.
DiBiase advises couples to make an effort to keep dating even though you spend time with each other most nights, set aside a special night to enjoy quality time and plan something fun and unique.
Plan your dates.
This is your signal to plan your next evening out with friends without significant others. We know it isn’t easy to plan, especially when everyone is busy with their families, relationships, and other personal commitments. But even regular phone conversations while walking will create a healthy separation. The distance can make the heart grow fonder.
This also applies to time alone and hobbies. You must maintain your identity outside of the relationship. This can be done by joining a local group, a sports team, or even a book club. This will not only help you to avoid the fatigue that comes with spending all your time together but will also allow you to tell them new things and make them more excited to be back at home after a long, tiring day.
