What should you do if you are considering dating a coworker? It would help if you thought about the risks before acting on your feelings. There are many. Research shows that intentions are essential if you want to move forward. The reactions of your coworkers will reflect the beliefs you hold. Continue reading
Many people meet their partners at work. However, it is frowned upon to date someone in an office setting. Some companies have clear policies against it. What if you and your colleague are flirting and want to start a relationship? You should not be involved. What’s the best thing for you personally?
What experts say
Art Markman, a University of Texas at Austin professor of marketing and psychology, said that coworkers could fall in love for many reasons. He says, “You spend a lot of time at work. If you put people together, working together, and having open, vulnerable discussions, there’s a good possibility there will be romantic relationships.” Research has shown we are more likely to be attracted to people similar to us, according to Amy Nicole Baker, an associate psychologist at the University of New Haven. She is also the author of many papers on workplace romance. She says that the closer you become to the person, the more likely you will be attracted to each other. Be careful if you have fallen in love with a colleague. These are some things you should think about.
Be aware of the risks
It would help to consider the risks before acting on your feelings. There are many. There is always the possibility that the relationship will not work out, and there may be hurt feelings from either of you. There may be conflicts of interest. Markman refers to the dual relationships principle. This is an “ironclad rule” in psychotherapy that states that therapists can’t have any relationship with patients beyond their professional one. The same rule does not apply to coworkers. However, Markman explains that “having multiple relationships” with someone can lead to conflicts of interest that can be difficult to resolve. Do you prioritize the interests of your teammate or your own? There are also reputational risks. Baker says your professionalism could be questioned, especially if others don’t consider your motives for entering a relationship positively. Some colleagues might think you are giving your romantic partner preferential treatment. Markman says that a relationship with someone in higher management can give you an alternative explanation for your success.
Best intentions
Research shows that intentions matter, even if you know the risks. Baker says that your coworkers will react to what you believe their motives are. They will view you negatively if they see you as possessing an “ego motive,” seeking to gain the relationship for their pleasure or company advancement. She says that studies show that coworkers tend to be more positive when they see that you are falling in love with each other and care deeply about them. Before jumping in, make sure you are clear about your intentions and how others will view them. Positive choices can help to avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings in the beginning.
Learn about the policies of your company
Many companies have policies prohibiting employees from dating vendors, customers, coworkers, or suppliers. Baker advises that you follow the rules and understand why they are in place. You ignore them at your peril. The Me Too movement is also changing the rules. At Google and Facebook, coworkers can only ask for permission once. If they say no or give you an ambiguous reply (“Sorry, but I’m busy”), you are not allowed to ask them again.
Avoid your boss and direct reports
It doesn’t matter your intentions; it is best not to date your managers and subordinates. Markman says, “It’s a bad idea not to get involved in any way with anyone in your chain of command, up or down.” Baker also agrees. “We know from research that the outcomes don’t seem as good . The perceptions are more negative.” This is because conflicts of interest are the most severe. When you give a performance review to someone you are dating, it can be challenging to be objective. You don’t want others to feel that you are being unduly preferred. This can lead to a loss of confidence and a decrease in team morale. Experts acknowledge that sometimes boss-employee romances can happen, and sometimes these relationships work out. If this interests you, they recommend that you “take immediate action” to transfer to another boss or assign your direct reports to another team.
It’s not a secret
Baker and Markman agree that discussing your relationship with your boss and coworkers is essential. This can be complex advice, especially if you are still determining the future. Markman says you don’t need to tell people after the first date, but it helps reduce the awkwardness and increase their chances of being optimistic about the relationship. He also says that people will still discover the truth even if you don’t tell anyone. Baker says that clandestine relationships can have adverse outcomes and harm other relationships. She explains that secrets can erode trust, and people will feel lied about when the truth is revealed. Your disclosure should be simple and direct. Perhaps you could say, “We went on some dates, but I’m sure you can understand that we don’t want me to go into detail about our personal lives.”
Your manager should be the first to know. Markman suggests that you put yourself in your manager’s shoes if this seems unnecessary. Would you not want to find out if two members of your team or a colleague from another organization were in a relationship? Let your bosses decide how you are to be staffed. You may want to work separately. You’re allowing them to make informed decisions by telling them.” The company policy and how much trust you have in your department’s handling of the situation will determine whether or not you tell HR. Markman says that if you have a good HR department, keeping a record of the problem might be a good idea, especially if things go sour. “Don’t tell your HR department if they are all about ticking boxes.”
Another critical point to remember: LGBTQ employees might not be comfortable sharing a relationship with coworkers, especially considering that you can still get fired in many states because of being gay. Markman states that although many workplaces are more diverse, they have not necessarily become more inclusive. “Many people might not feel comfortable discussing their relationships.”
Set boundaries
You want your partner to be able to see what you are doing, but you don’t have the right to expose them to your intimate relationship. Baker and her colleagues researched flirting at work. They found that people frequently exposed to flirting report feeling less fulfilled in their jobs and less valued by their companies. She says they are more likely to have a negative opinion of their work environment and may even consider quitting. These are not causalities, she says, but they can be a solid argument to avoid public displays of affection or remain professional. She says, “It makes it easier and less painful for those around you.” It is essential to establish boundaries with your partner. Markman says, “As romantic as it might seem, you should have an open discussion about how to talk to your relationship and navigate the risks.” While we believe love takes precedence over all other things, there are fewer prenuptial agreements than should be. However, you don’t want “work tensions to spill into your relationship,” You need to have rules about how and when you will talk about work and your relationship.
You can break up
Romance can fail. If you and your partner choose to end the relationship, be prepared. Baker doesn’t mince words. But Baker says it’s not uncommon for a relationship to end in pain. Markman adds, “If you have been sharing information about your relationship with people, let them know.” Also, try to keep things professional. Markman says no one has said anything less than sympathy about an ex. But you need to be civil and pretend as if nothing happened. If it is too painful or awkward to continue working with the person, you may leave the job or transfer to another department. It doesn’t matter what happens; Baker’s simple advice is worth remembering: “The more drama, the better.”
Principles to Remember
Do:
Be aware of the risks associated with being involved at work with someone you love
Get familiar with the policies and rationale of your company.
Discuss what you will do if things don’t work out.
Don’t:
If you aren’t serious about a relationship, then seek out a coworker
Meet someone with whom you share a reporting relationship
Do not reveal the connection to your manager or coworkers. It will only cause the trust to be eroded.
Always maintain sight of the professional
Heather Townsend worked as an accountant at the Big Four when she met Alex. They were reluctant to get romantically involved. “We believed that dating at work was a faux pas. She says she would only have one glass with a coworker. Despite their intimacy, the attraction was strong, and they shared instant messages, even though they never flirted.
Alex said that after three months of uncertainty about where things were heading, “finally,” he said via instant message, “Do you want dinner with me?”. I replied, “Yes.” On their first date, they discussed how they would handle the situation at work. “We both were very career-focused and agreed to keep things professional, so our careers would not be affected.”
Heather confided to a friend at work that Alex was her boyfriend, but they waited several months before disclosing their relationship to HR. She explains that although it became severe quickly, they wanted to be specific. They eventually got to HR because they were at different levels within the company and wanted it done before conflicts of interest occurred. We said, “We are dedicated to the company and don’t want it to affect our careers, but we fell in love.” The HR managers were optimistic. The couple consulted HR to ensure they were on a different project. Alex, senior to Heather, wasn’t responsible for Heather’s performance reviews and wouldn’t advocate for her promotions. She says, “He couldn’t write an impartial review.”
Heather shared their support with her boss and colleagues once they had it. She says that “that’s when the gossip began,” but it didn’t bother them. She was still concerned about her reputation and continued to work hard. She and Alex consciously decided to treat one another as coworkers whenever they were together. I didn’t stop at his desk to kiss him on the cheek or have casual conversations with him. Although we would meet for coffee together, we always met at the elevator.
Heather left the company nine months into their relationship. Alex and Heather were married several years later. They are happily married, even though they no longer work together.
Why secrecy isn’t working
Becca Pierson worked for a large tech company. She was assigned to assist Meryl, a new employee. The two women began dating after they had been able to get to know each other for several months.
Becca says that although we were in different teams, they interacted frequently. “Though I wasn’t her manager, I was a more senior group member, which made me nervous. It would have been a disaster for my team to discover that I was in a relationship with someone at the same level as me.
They decided to keep their secret relationship private. Becca says it was difficult because she wasn’t out in the open. “She is from a country where being gay is essentially illegal.” The secrecy made things more exciting, romantic, and unique, but it also created anxiety. Becca could not tell her friends, at work and outside of it, what she was doing most of the time. It was strange that nobody knew about the relationship. It was like going back to the closet. It can feel like you’re hiding your work relationship, whether straight or gay.
They were together for almost a year, and they managed to keep their relationship secret the whole time. She says, “I don’t believe anyone knew.” Becca believes that the secrecy eventually broke them apart. “It wasn’t like a real relationship. It was almost like living two lives.” Becca felt relieved when it ended. “I didn’t believe I could keep it going for so long. Her family was unhappy with her, and we couldn’t imagine how that could ever work.”
Becca and Meryl are still friends, but Becca said that she wants to avoid having another relationship at work.
