You’ve probably heard it a gazillion times: “Stop trying so hard to fix your relationship!”. You may not have known that you were doing it, but you know how much you dislike it when your partner struggles or there is a conflict between the two of you. You have good intentions. You are trying to maintain peace and get rid of “negative” emotions. You’re logically assessing the situation and then attempting to fix the discomfort. You may wonder why your partner does not understand that you are trying to help or defuse a situation.
You may feel frustrated when your partner gets angry at you for trying to fix everything. You may feel discouraged, stressed out, and rejected. You may begin to think that you will never be able to do anything correctly. You may have been searching for “stop trying everything to fix your relationship” on Google.
This is a very common problem for couples.
We’ve all heard about the chronic people-pleasing, but rarely do we hear much about the “chronic fixer mentality.” The “chronic fixer” is often the child who was raised to take care of an erratic parent or a sibling. It was also the child who was expected to be the mediator for the family in times of abuse or escalation. Fixers are often children who never learn to express themselves emotionally and become easily overwhelmed by other people’s emotions. This is why, if you are the fixer and you feel helpless when you try to help your partner, you may be hurt. It can be difficult to break the fixer mentality if it is deeply ingrained in you.
What do you think?
Your intentions to diffuse the situation as a fixer are noble. You want to “make things right” again, and you care about others. Your automatic urge to fix something is more a self-defense mechanism than it is a desire to help. The attempt to fix things doesn’t seem to soothe your partner and instead seems to make matters worse. If you’re the one who sets things, it doesn’t make you “bad” or wrong. It is important to understand that your behavior of shutting down things and putting them is usually a defense mechanism against your inability to tolerate emotional discomfort, escalation, or conflict. Your attempts to improve the situation are a subconscious reaction to childhood fears or toxic relationships.
This is because the approach that one person takes to support their partner can be the opposite of what they need. They don’t have a way to talk about it and end up getting frustrated with each other. Both end up feeling frustrated and dismissed.
In general, telling someone who is frantic to “calm” down will have the opposite result, as it will make the person feel embarrassed and dismissed for feeling the way they do. It is not possible to switch from a state of high emotions to a rational one, even if calming down is the right thing to do. Our brains may stop working correctly when we feel emotionally triggered. The amygdala is also hijacked. It is important to know this because humans are complex, and we don’t always react the way we want when we feel emotional. Both partners must work to improve their emotional intelligence and tolerance.
I tell my clients often to imagine a disgusting situation: your partner is stuck in poop. Literally. Literally. They are unable to lift their heads above the appalling mess. You want to remove them, but there’s nothing around to do it. Your partner looks defeated and stressed. You are stressed and defeated. What is the best thing that you can do? Jump into the pile with them. That’s it. Does that sound wild? Yes, this may sound wild, but it is sometimes all that we humans need. You show them that you care by jumping in. By jumping in, you show up for them. You both ride the wave, and you each see your partner’s intention while they see you as a compassionate person. There are times when there is no other solution. The disgustingness will eventually become livable, and you’ll realize that you’re not covered in poop but just mud. By the time it gets dark, the mud will start to soften, and you’ll be able to move out to find shelter. “Problem” solved!
So, when your partner is struggling with something, try to breathe consciously. Please take a few minutes to calm down your reaction instinct by shutting off the emotions and fixing them. Remind yourself to live and that you’re safe. What immediate thought came to your mind? “Oh no! Here we go again!” or “What have I done wrong?”
When you sense your partner’s vibe is off, you automatically go to a worst-case scenario in your head. You can stop your train of thought, look at the situation, and ask yourself: “Is this what I’m assuming/thinking? Do I have any evidence to back up these automatic thoughts? “Am I giving my partner the advantage of doubt?”
Listen more. Ask more. This is a simple way to make your partner feel validated and also helps you calm your anxiety. Your partner may be upset over something unrelated to you and want to vent. Ask a simple question to find out what they need. “Would you like me to listen or help you with this problem?”
It is completely OK for you to request boundaries when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a moment to collect yourself from flooding emotions. This is a good example of how to ask for space from a partner who has strong emotions: “I hear you. I see that you are upset. I need some time to process this, because emotions can be difficult to process.” “Can we have this conversation again when I return in a few hours?”
Work on your tolerance to difficult emotions or conversations. It may be necessary to seek counseling to regulate and process emotions if you are uncomfortable with them.
You may feel as though it is your “job” for one reason or another to fix everything, but it isn’t. This belief can cause you the most discomfort and pain. You surrender control by letting go of the responsibility. It is both uncomfortable and relieving.
