This is the time of year! No, I’m referring to the holiday. Instead, I am referring to the time of the year when you see engagement announcements after engagement announcements on your social media feed.
The holidays are a time of excitement and joy for many, but they can also cause chaos. Spending time with family you haven’t been able to see in a while can be fulfilling; it can also be a time when you avoid questions regarding your relationship status and other sensitive topics. It’s normal to be a bit on edge around the holidays. No matter your relationship status or your desire to propose, the pressure of engagement naturally increases around this time. It seems like everyone you know is wearing a new ring, and that’s OK.
It’s not easy to navigate the engagement season pressure that you or others place on you or even on yourself. It’s manageable if you are willing to put in the work. We’ll explore how to deal with the stress of engagement season, no matter what your relationship status is or where you’re headed.
Validate your feelings
Mixed emotions are perfectly normal. There’s no “right” or a “wrong way” to feel.
You may be feeling a sense of excitement and joy towards others.
It’s great if this is what you are feeling. Support the newly engaged couple by showing your support. Sending a gift or showing up at an engagement party can be a great way to show your support. You could also take your friend to lunch for the occasion. You can call them to share your excitement or send a gift.
Don’t forget, though, to check in with yourself. It’s possible to develop new feelings over time. You can also disguise your true emotions by acting the way you believe you should perform during an engagement. We all want to celebrate our loved ones at big life events. It’s OK to acknowledge that your excitement might fade, even if it’s the initial gut reaction.
You may be feeling a sense of frustration, jealousy, and sadness.
Lily Womble is a feminist dating coach and host of the podcast The Date Brazen, and says, “Notice your feelings without judgment, take a moment to yourself, and practice self-compassion.” When we are experiencing uncomfortable emotions like sadness, jealousy, or disappointment, it’s easy to become hard on ourselves. You can stop this self-inflicted guilt trip by telling yourself, “I understand you, and I am here for you.”.
How to validate your feelings
- Take a moment to yourself.
- Reflect and process your thoughts by journaling
- Put your hand on your chest and say, “I’m with you and I hear you.”
- Limiting your social media consumption
- Speaking to a trusted loved one or therapist
Compare and contrast, but don’t fall into the comparison trap
- The minute you start comparing your Life to others, whether they be close friends, family, or strangers, pressure begins to build. It’s called the comparison trap, and the best way to prevent it is by catching yourself in the act.
- Instead of jumping straight to thoughts like, “I’m so happy for the newly engaged couple, but when will it be my turn?” or, “Engagement isn’t a goal for me–what will people think?” acknowledge that you’re feeling a lot of emotions right now and that you’re on your path. “You’re the expert on your love life,” says Lily. “Remember, your timing is your timing, and it’s right for you.” This goes for anyone who is single, in a relationship, or somewhere in between. In the same way that there’s no right or wrong way to feel about engagement season, there’s no right or wrong time for relationships to progress.
- It’s also OK not to feel like the expert in your love life. Whether you’re navigating a breakup or don’t know what you want in a relationship, the same rule applies: leave comparison at the door. There are multiple ways pressure can peak during engagement season, and one of them is from feeling like you’re not meeting expectations–whether they’re your own, your family’s, or society’s. Just like comparison, expectations can destroy your inner peace.
Tips for avoiding the comparison trap:
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- Utilizing a gratitude journal
- Catch yourself in the act: instead of self-comparing to people getting engaged, remind yourself everyone’s life journey is different.
- Avoid future-tripping (having anxiety about the future) by reminding yourself to take Life one day at a time.
Set boundaries with family members.
- Because peak engagement season coincides with the holidays, this is an extra vulnerable time due to increased time spent with family. And if your family is anything like mine, they ask a lot of questions–many of which are none of their business. In order to set clear boundaries, you need to do a little prep work before heading into your family’s holiday gatherings. Whether you’re single or in a committed relationship, role-play potential conversations beforehand. That way, when questions about your Life arise, you’re better equipped to answer honestly or set a boundary.
- “If you’re in a relationship, have a conversation with your partner before the holidays and come up with a strategy for how you want to navigate difficult questions posed by family members,” says Leeanna Stockard, licensed marriage and family therapist at Life Stance Health. “For people who are single, I recommend the same process. Prior to a holiday event with loved ones, think about what you are and aren’t comfortable sharing with them. If there’s a close family member or friend who you can trust in your Life, confide in them prior to the holiday and see if they can help you navigate through difficult questions if your loved ones remain persistent on asking you questions.”
- It can be tempting to get frustrated when people inquire about your love life, but remember that the intention is usually pure. Empower yourself to honestly respond with remarks like, “I’m not comfortable talking about it.” Their question intends to learn more about your Life, so following up with a topic you’d prefer to chat about is an easy pivot. Remember, you can’t control curious minds, but you can control what you share with them.
