Even if both parties are in love, making a long-distance relationship work is challenging. Despite what your skeptical friends, family members, or colleagues may tell you, long-distance relationships are possible (and can thrive, too When the participants are enthusiastic about the experience and ready to make the necessary effort, LDRs can last (and thrive!).
Rachel Hoffman, Ph.D., LCSW, is a therapist and chief clinical officer of the mental health support platform REAL HTML. Dr. Hoffman says you still need to have the same three pillars of a relationship: communication, trust, and commitment. The challenge is that you need these pillars ten times more in a relationship over a distance.
“We often build relationships unintentionally,” says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, LMFT, in-house relationship expert for couples app Moraya DeGeare LMFT, the in-house relationship expert at couples app Pair. “But long distance is a very different experience.”
You may be hoping to transform your LDR relationship into IRL love in a year. You or your partner may have to relocate temporarily for a job, and you are determined to make the relationship work. These expert tips for long-distance relationships will help you navigate the tricky new frontier of long-distance relationships with an open mind and a clear
Plan a strategy that you and your partner will both be happy with
Dr. Hoffman explains that “your levels of insecurity and uncertainty can increase when you’re not with your partner regularly.” It’s hard to feel secure and build trust in a relationship without the regular reassurance from in-person intimacy, such as hugs; Dr. Hoffman suggests “making a schedule and being very clear about the habits and routines of your relationship” to help you feel connected from afar.
Here is a list of questions that Hoffman and DeGeare suggest getting everyone on the same page from the start:
How often do we plan to talk?
Would you rather make a video call or a phone call?
What would you like to see in our sexual life?
Do you accept phone sex and sexting?
How often can you afford to meet up with your partner?
Who is visiting whom?
Will we be able to talk if we are in different time zones?
Will we send a good morning text or call the next morning?
How fast can I expect to receive a response to my messages?
If you find that squeezing in pre-work Skype chats is more stressful than expected, or if phone’sex’ has become It might be that trying to fit in Skype chats before work is more stressful than expected, or the telephone sex has become Dr. Hoffman explains that this is a collaborative, ongoing process. You can feel close despite your physical distance by discussing how you each feel about communication habits, sexual life, and IRL planning.
Discuss your endgame too
Does the end of every long-distance romance always involve one partner moving for love? DeGeare and Dr. Hoffman have clients who are in LDRs and are content to live in different cities without a defined end. DeGeneres says that while couples need to spend time together and share experiences in order to keep their relationship strong, the amount can depend on where you are in life.
It is more common to expect you to be reunited forever, especially if one of your life goals is having children. It may seem premature to ask your partner to move in together if you are only a few months into a relationship or if it is a long-distance relationship. It’s not about forcing anyone to commit to a plan in stone but to see if you are on the same page. Ask your partner if they can live together one day in the exact location.
Dr. Hoffman says, “There can’t ever be a situation where one person assumes that you will end up living together, and the other person believes that living separate lives would be ideal.” You may both change your minds in the future. Dr. Hoffman says that in a long-distance partnership, you will feel comfortable sharing any changes to your endgame with your partner. You can then revisit your plans and see if both of you are still on board with the vision.
Voiciz your jealousy and insecurities
Your schedule and that of your partner have been so hectic. Lately you can’t remember the last time you had a tremendous late-night conversation. They keep talking about Rory, their excellent research partner, who gets to have lunch with them and looks hot on the tagged photos of social media you just discovered. Rory is a drummer?! You are officially spiraling.
Dr. Hoffman says the problem isn’t Rory but rather a lack of trust and security within your relationship. Expressing your feelings to your partner as soon as possible is essential: I feel jealous of Rory.”By involving them, it won’t become, “I’m going to stop texting them for the next two days because I want them to feel what I feel,” or “I’m going to find my own Rory,” says Dr. Hoffman. Long-distance relationships can quickly become problematic when things are played out in this passive-aggressive way.
Avoiding unnecessary arguments can be achieved by sharing your feelings instead of burying them and creating bad-faith stories about what may be happening. Dr. Hoffman says that when people cannot express their feelings, they blame others. It becomes a matter of saying, “You are avoiding me” or “You are not answering my call” instead of identifying the issue.
Your partner has a responsibility to help you determine what makes you feel secure (up to a certain point, more on this below). DeGeneres says, “One of the most important questions to ask in any relationship is: ‘When I’m in need, can you respond in a manner that shows you understand and care for me?’ For example, you might need deeper conversations or a stronger sexual connection to feel more secure. DeGeneres says that affirmations from your partner, such as “You are the only person I want to spend my life with,” can help. She also suggests that you repeat mantras reinforcing feelings of security and trust.
