In recent years, polyamory (having more than one sexual or emotional relationship) has been popularized on TV, on major dating sites such as OkCupid, and even in research—experts who have studied consensual relationships that are nonmonogamous and have learned a lot from them.
According to Terri Conley (an associate professor of psychology at Michigan), consensual no-monogamy could include polyamory, swinging, and other forms of open relationships. Although there aren’t many statistics on the number of polyamorous relationships in America, a 2016 study published by the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy showed that approximately one-fifth of Americans engage in consensual nonmonogamy at some point in their lives.
These relationships can still be stigmatized. People in polyamorous relationships often keep their identities secret from family and friends.
“Often they are afraid of losing their jobs or not getting a job or losing family or friends who will not respect them anymore, or that their children might be taken away,” said Carrie Jenkins, a professor of philosophy from the University of British Columbia.
Jenkins, who is a polyamorous partner, warns that relationships don’t have to be one-size fits. She says, “One impression I don’t want is that polyamorous relationships work better for everyone.” “We are all very different.”
Experts in relationships believe that polyamorous relationships can offer valuable lessons to monogamous couples. Researchers say that polyamorous relationships are especially successful in certain areas.
Communication
Monogamous relationships that work well require communication. Joanne Davila is a professor of clinical psychology at Stony Brook University and studies monogamous relationships. This is where polyamorous relationships excel.
A May 2017 study that was published in One found that people in nonmonogamous consensual relationships communicate to “negotiate schedules and boundaries and to work through the types of problems that arise when negotiating polyamory. Because polyamorous people communicate more with their primary partners than their secondary partners, the study revealed that primary relationships could last longer while other relationships are pursued.
Benjamin Karney, a UCLA professor of psychology, who studies monogamous relationships, says that this is one area of particular relevance to monogamous couples. He says that studying nonmonogamous relationships is not like studying monogamy in a completely different country. “Consensually nonmonogamous couples may have a lot of lessons to offer everyone about negotiating desire, competing interests, and other aspects of life.”
Definition of the relationship
Polyamorous partners often set boundaries and make agreements about how each relationship should look. Conley believes these agreements can also be beneficial for monogamous relationships where partners may assume that they are on the same page about monogamy.
If you’re deciding to get into a relationship, there might be more to the conversation: Does it mean that we are monogamous? What does it mean for a monogamous relationship to exist? Conley says. “Eating with someone you are not attracted to is cheating for some people.” Intercourse is acceptable for others.
There are many types of polyamorous relationships. According to Kate Kincaid (Tucson Counseling Associates), a psychologist who works with polyamorous partners, sometimes partners will get to know one another and form a family-like network. Kincaid describes another style of polyamory called “parallel Polyamory.” This means that all partners are aware of one another but have very little contact.
Kincaid said that she works with couples in order to determine the best model for them. However, she recommends kitchen table polyamory as it is more efficient for all to communicate directly. Time management is a major challenge for polyamorous couples, Kincaid says.
Kincaid states, “Love isn’t a finite resource. But everyone jokes about it.” “You can have multiple partners that you like to see a lot, but you must negotiate space and time.”
Practicing safe sex
A 2012 study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that people in polyamorous relationships are more likely to engage in safe sex than individuals who cheat in monogamous relationships. Monogamy is often considered safe sex, and so monogamous people may be more likely to reject safer sex strategies if they are in stable relationships.
Kincaid said that she helps clients fill out a questionnaire on what sexual acts they are comfortable doing with their partners. Conley and Amy Moors, assistant professors of psychology at Chapman University, conducted the 2012 study. She said that consensually nonmonogamous couples often agree to use condoms with their partners, as well as get information about their history with each other.
Moors states that they must navigate the sexual health and relationships of many people. “Important in that is that there are very clear conversations about sexuality that are occurring in consensual nonmonogamous relationships, which may not be happening with monogamous relationships.”
Moors states that monogamous relationships often include couples who “stop using condoms to conceal their intimacy: now we’re actually dating.” However, if a monogamous couple cheats on their partner, there is no guarantee that they will continue safe sex.
Managing jealousy
Multiple romantic partners can cause more jealousy than monogamy. According to a 2017 study published in Perspectives in Psychological Science, that’s only sometimes the case.
The study, which included 1,507 monogamous couples and 617 consensual, nonmonogamous couples, found that those in consensual relationships scored lower on jealousy than those in monogamous ones. It also revealed that those in nonmonogamous consensual relationships (including those who engage in polyamory, swinging, and polyamory) scored higher on trust and distrust than those in monogamous relations.
Monogamous couples were extremely jealous. According to Moors, they were more likely to check their partners’ smartphones, look through their email, and carry their handbags.” “But those in nonmonogamous consensual relationships had a really low rate of this.”
Davila is also a couples therapist. She says she has observed monogamous couples not address jealousy at all, while consensual nonmonogamous couples may be more open to their feelings. Davila states that jealousy is normal in consensual relationships. They see the feelings that arise and work actively to manage them.
