Love: Can we control who we fall in love with?

Love has always had a mystic and romantic flair to it. Often we assume that we get swept away by the notion of love and we have little or no control over who we fall in love with.  Perhaps this is not totally true and we can control who we fall in love with.   Ever heard the expression that is just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man. I think we all know people who seem to make a beeline for a certain kind of person or status. Then appear to fall in love instantly or did they have some control over whom they picked to fall in love. I am not for one minute trying to tell you that all of these people fell in love straight away. As some would have accepted more replicatlical relationship.   Maybe what is really required in the search for love is mental flexibly.

Love? Perhaps we have more control than we thought over love!

It would appear that many factors are outside of our control. When it comes to falling in love or falling for a particular person. However, we may just have more control over love then we think.

Here are 7 things you can do to increase your chances of falling, and staying in love.

1.The lust stage

This is probably one of the more difficult to influence. Yet you can think about the type of person you are attracted to and stay on the plan to find him/her. Alternatively, and this is my personal preference, practice compassion. If the person doesn’t have exactly the physical attributes you’re looking for. Most of us aren’t perfect so forgive them for their shortcomings. Like you would expect they accept yours, and be open to seeing things about them that are favourable. He’s shorter than you usually go for but appreciate his sense of humour, good nature or fashion sense. She’s a little heavier than your previous girlfriends. But has model-quality hair and a Taylor Swift face. Compassion and openness both go a long way. To being attracted to someone if you allow yourself to practice it.

  1. Securing resources

Be open and creative when thinking about what someone can offer you. He may not have access to the Trump family fortune. But may be able to offer you a plethora of other favourable things.

  1. Social Exchange Theory

Be gracious and accept the rewards on offer. When it comes to the costs involved and there are always some costs. Communicate these in a clear and gentle way with the goal of fixing the issue. Rather than just building up resentment. You may have more influence than you think in raising the rewards. Lowering the costs in a relationship.

 4. The Reward Needs Satisfaction Model

Do a good stocktake on what’s currently going on for you in your life and what you need from a partner. Once you’ve established this. You are more able to ask for what you want. Negotiate the terms make the situation glow with rewards that work for you.

5. Attachment Theory

Attachment styles are complicated. A therapist is likely to be the best person to help you navigate this. If you think your attachment style could be problematic. Remember that human beings have a great capacity for change. So if you think your attachment style is causing you relationship issues. Creating problems for you. Making it difficult to attach to another person, make the investment to change it.

  1. Be real

Healthy individuals aim to have a rich, full and meaningful life. Accepting that pain is part of normal human existence. Live in the here. With openness, curiosity and interest and focus on your partners gifts. What they offer the world rather than their negatives. Try to see your potential partner with new fresh eyes. Place emphasis on the positives and all the gems they are able to offer you.

 7. Delusion

When we ‘fuse’ with issues we create a constant destructive thinking loop. An inability to be able to let go of things that bother us about the other. Let problems go whenever possible. There’s nothing to be gained from going over and over issues in our mind – except more pain of course.

I have two teenagers at home and of course like most, they allow their brain to control all of their impulses. I understand that this is how it goes at their stage of development.  But if I succumb to their whimsical ideology. I’d have one living life like she is Ariana Grande. The other would totally exist only in a video warfare game and would have killed half the planet already. Yawn… yes they’re sick of hearing, “your brain doesn’t control you, you control it!”

And I don’t just say this to control my-at-home wildlife… it’s something I really believe in. Our brains haven’t evolved all that much in thousands of years. Even though we like to think we’re the Star Trek, supreme image of sophisticated beings. Sorry to disappoint you all. But we are still learning to control our Neanderthal-heritage raw impulses. We are still flawed mere humans. Before you drop the spear and want to go home. Take great comfort in the belief that we can control our caveman, or woman impulses. Because we have a firmly developed Cortex. We can, if we choose, design our lives and alter our thinking to best suit our modern wants and needs.  So, we may not be able to ultimately control our chemical production and the smack-between-eyes raw desire for someone. But we can influence, in many ways, the way we feel about them. In many circumstances, deep love will grow over time.